Posted on

From stone quarry to lush garden – The story of The Butchart Gardens

A weekend on Vancouver Island is not complete without a visit to The Butchart Gardens. As stated on their website, The Butchart Gardens is a must-see oasis over 100 years in the making. And what a privilege it was to take in the beauty of this place that stands as a testament to what is possible when one has a grand vision. The story of The Butchart Gardens is also one of the most interesting family business success stories never told…

It all began with one woman’s vision and passion

In 1904, husband and wife, Robert and Jennie Butchart moved from Ontario to Vancouver Island in pursuit of riches through the mining of limestone deposits. With a quarry for their backyard, they built a cement plant at Tod Inlet, and Robert soon built a successful cement business. At the time, the West Coast was exploding with development, and cement was in constant demand from San Francisco to Seattle. The first sacks of cement sailed out of Vancouver Island aboard the “Alexander” in 1905.

Jennie Butchart busied herself around the estate by planting flowers and shrubbery in an area between the house and Butchart cove. As time passed, Jennie’s efforts increased, and her husband often supplied workmen from the factory to assist in the ever-growing project of gardening. By 1908 the limestone ran out, leaving a gigantic pit near the house.

The limestone quarry pit in 1912. Source: https://www.butchartgardens.com/our-story/

In an attempt to hide this hideous excavation, Jennie decided to expand her garden. The concept of a sunken garden formed, and Jennie had massive amounts of topsoil imported by horse cart to form the garden bed. The rubble on the floor of the pit was pushed into tall mounds of rock on which terraced flowers were planted. Mrs. Butchart dangled over the sides of the bare quarry wall in a boson’s chair and carefully tucked ivy into any discernible pocket or crevice in the rock to hide away all the gray.

In 1921, the project was completed. It had become a garden of immense interest to the surrounding community. Tales of Mr. and Mrs. Butchart’s fabulous gardens spread as fast as the gardens themselves. From the beginning, friends, acquaintances, and even complete strangers were welcomed, as they came to marvel at the horticultural masterpiece. At one point Mrs. Butchart found herself serving 18 000 cups of tea per year – or so the story goes…

1929. The garden taking shape. Source: https://www.butchartgardens.com/our-story/

The most interesting family business success story never told…

In 1939, Mr. and Mrs. Butchart gifted the gardens to their grandson Ian Ross on his 21st birthday. Ian Ross transformed them into the world-renowned attraction we know today, adding outdoor concerts and night lighting in the summers, and the Magic of Christmas in the winters.

The gardens were then handed down to their great-grandson Christopher in 1997. Christopher began producing a choreographed firework show every year. Unfortunately, Christopher suddenly died in 2000 and the gardens landed in the hands of his sister Robin-Lee Clarke (63), who is the current owner of the gardens.  In 2009 Robin-Lee added the Children’s Pavilion and Menagerie Carousel to the gardens.

The sunken garden today. It’s hard to believe this was an old limestone quarry pit.
Rows and rows of flowers in the sunken garden
Robin-Lee’s Menagerie Carousel
Staircase to a lookout point
In 1964, to commemorate the 60th anniversary of the Gardens, Ian Ross created and installed the Ross Fountain. The water rises 21 m (70 ft.) in the air.
A rare sight in the gardens. The Himalayan Blue Poppy. It was imported to the gardens and only blooms for two weeks a year. We were lucky enough to see it in bloom…

The Butchart name has remained prominent in Victoria for over 10 decades and the gardens have been handed down from one generation to the next. The next in line to inherit the gardens, is Barnabas Butchart Clarke (34), the only child of Robin-Lee and David Clarke, and great-great-grandson of the founders. He currently lives in Victoria and produces dance shows.

Today, The Butchart Gardens is a National Historic Site of Canada. You can still find remnants of the original cement plant and over a million bedding plants in over 900 varieties awaiting you as you wander The Butchart Gardens. It is worth it to take a boat trip in Brentwood Bay around the gardens. Your guide will tell you about the history of the gardens as well as some amazing stories about the Pacific Ocean.

Walking through these gardens got me thinking about life in general. Often, we find ourselves in situations that are less desirable or sometimes even downright frustrating. And we can choose to sit and cry amid the chaos. We could even get angry at the dust and decay underneath our feet. Or we can decide that we want to build a garden instead and create a more desirable future. We possess the power to either fall into dismay along with the chaos around us or to choose to create something beautiful out of it. And through our focus and effort, we might just inspire others, much like the gardens have inspired people for over 100 years…

References:

Butchart Gardens. (2018). Our Story. Available online from: https://www.butchartgardens.com/our-story/

Birds of a Feather. (n.d.). Butchart Family History – Robert and Jennie. Available online from: https://www.birdsofafeather.ca/butchart-family-history

Posted on

Should you take your pets with you when you emigrate?

My two furry children, Darwin (left) and Snowy (right) with my not-so-furry child in the background. Happy care-free days in warm, sunny South Africa with them just lazing about.

For most of us, our pets are part of the family. In my case, I hand-raised my one cat. He was a feral kitten only 5 weeks old, and abandoned by his mother when I got him. He was completely wild. It was with great joy and pride that I managed to tame him enough to at least get him to behave in a civil manner towards the humans in his most immediate environment. Our second cat – imagines himself a dog – but is a lovable addition to our family, and to a great extent, they are my children. I know some would frown at this, but I also know that there are a lot of pet lovers out there that share my sentiment, and who get how easily an animal can claim a space in your heart and in your life and how difficult it is to just discard these special members of your family.

So, when my husband tried to convince me to move to Canada, one of my conditions was that I get to take my cats with me. They are my children after all, and I couldn’t bear to leave them behind. Of course I did the due dilligence and inquired from those already living in Canada whether they thought my cats would adjust to the new environment, especially considering how cold it gets in Canada. I was met with reassurance that they would be fine and would adjust quickly. In addition, Canada’s pet immigration policy is not as strict as other countries. As long as your pets are older than a year, their vaccination records are up to date and they pass their health exam in South Africa, they don’t have to go into quarantine. You get to take them home as soon as they arrive in Canada.

I took all of this as a sign that I was doing the right thing taking my cats with me to Canada. However, although the immigration process went smoothly for them and they arrived safely, they have struggled to adjust. Here is why…

There are three things to keep in mind when you are considering whether to take your pets with you when you immigrate.

Firstly, it is expensive. Really expensive. The cost of shipping a pet to another country is about double what your own plane ticket would cost you. They have to be vaccinated and subjected to medical exams and all of this cost money. Specialised crates need to be made for them to ship them and they are booked onto their own flights. The reason why your animals do not fly with you, is because the companies that ensure your pets’ safe transfer try to find the shortest possible route for them to travel with a stop over in between to give them a chance to rest and eat etc. Remember, that despite how taxing the long flight is for you, it is so much more overwhelming and traumatising for them. They are confined to a crate and are not allowed to eat on-route in case they get sick. They have no clue what is happening to them and you are not arround to comfort them. So it is quite a shock to the system. Also, animals cannot legally be sedated during long trips, because it constitutes animal cruelty. So they are simply provided calming treatments but are kept awake for the entire trip.

Secondely, when you arrive in your new country, you will have to find accommodation as a matter of urgency, and bringing pets along complicates matters, since most landlords do not allow pets. This eliminates many suitable housing options, because you have to find something that is pet-friendly. In Vancouver, landlords that allow pets charge an additional pet cover on top of your initial securing deposit, so you end up paying a double deposit on the accommodation. Most of the time the pet depost is for pet-incurred damages – i.e. pet hair, scratches or bite marks on furniture etc. – and is non-refundable. Even if your pet is usually well-behaved, they will most probably misbehave for the simple reason that they will arrive at your accommodation after a long and traumatising trip confined to a crate for many hours and then have to get used to an unfamiliar new environment. This is usually very distressful for most animals and they tend to act out, because they feel overwhelmed and confused. Our cats tore into the dining room chairs in our temporary accommodation and despite buying them not one, but three scratching posts, and various cat toys, they did not stop scratching the furniture. We ended up hiding the dining room chairs in the main bedroom walk-in closet at night while we slept and only taking them out when we really needed them. Desperate times called for desperate measures. We did not want to incur any penalties for damage to furniture in our temporary accommodation.

Lastly, if you decide to move to Canada, and you have a pet that spends more time outdoors than indoors, DO NOT believe people if they tell you that your animal will adjust to the climate in Canada. My cats are not your typical house cat. They used to spend most of their time playing outdoors or lying somewhere in the garden. They are fully house-trained in the sense that we did not even keep a litterbox for them in the house in South Africa. They had an open window for easy access to the house, but would “take care of business” outside in the garden.

Then we end up in Canada in the middle of winter and my poor cats are confined to the house for the first time in their short lives. Firstly, because we were staying in temporary accommodation when we arrived here, we did not want to let them out in case they wandered off and got lost. We decided to hold off untill we moved into a more permanent place. Unfortunately, what we did not bargain on was that our new house would be child-proof and what this means is that even the windows are childproof. They don’t open far enough for a cat to get through and all the windows are covered in guaze. Furthermore, staying in a townhouse means that we are not flat on the ground so they have quite a distance to jump if they were to get out.

I remained hopeful though, thinking we could use the window in the kitchen that goes out into the garden and at least give them some access to the garden. But there are two problems here. In winter, the snow presents an obstacle. They are not used to moving in snow and were completely freaked out by the snow. A side-note here, is that for dogs, it is even worse, because when it snows they cover the roads and sidewalks with salt to prevent people from slipping. However, the salt cuts into the dogs’ paws which means you have to get special socks for them to wear in the winter months if you want to take them outside. The second problem is that in summer, letting the cats out of the house might result in them becoming dinner. I asked locals here why we never see cats around and they explained that cat owners keep their cats indoors because the bears, coyotes and raccoons eat them. As luck would have it, we ended up renting in the Burke Mountain area, which is the prime spot for bears and coyotes in Vancouver. So my cats are still stuck in the house.

In retrospect, I find myself crying some days thinking that perhaps I did them an injustice by bringing them here. They have no clue what is happening and they don’t understand why they can’t go outside. Luckily our new house has a lot stairs and interesting places to climb and explore, so that keeps them busy and they seem to be settling in better than in the temporary accommodation.

Despite all of the frustration and trauma, these darling animals have still brought us comfort. They have served as welcome companions for my daugther who absolutely love having these furry friends to play with. She has learnt pretty quickly how to entice them to chase after a rope or a ball or any other fun object and they are spoilt with cuddles on a daily basis. As for me, having a furry friend on my lap on the days when the homesickness is strong, brings tremendous comfort. I have always felt calm in the presence of a purring cat and they have not dissappointed. Despite my husband’s complaints, both Emma and I enjoy their company and are grateful for the little bit of respite they bring. I can only hope that they are grateful to us for keeping them around instead of abadoning them to the care of someone else.

Most people are dog lovers. Most people do not like cats all that much. My cats have different personalities and are just as lovable as any dog. They just have sharper claws and more attitude. But I love them either way and I sleep easier knowing that being stuck inside, is still better than being left to their own resources, or worse perhaps facing a unceremonious end to their short little lives.

Darwin trying to find a comfortable spot in our temporary accommodation
Snowy exploring the stairs in our new house
Posted on

How to survive a loved one’s birthday when you are on the other side of the world

One of the hardest things about moving to another country, is missing out on family birthdays – especially when you are part of a close family who celebrate birthdays together. Nothing prepares you for the sadness that enfolds you when you realise someone you love is going to celebrate a birthday soon, and you will not be there to join in the fesitivities. Family birthdays are sometimes taken for granted… to the point where someone might even feel annoyed at the “disruption” to their schedule…

I LOVE family birthdays. Absolutely LOVE them. A birthday is the ONE day of the year, when you are allowed to let go and be spoiled a bit. The one day of the year, that really is your day – well at least a reminder of the day that you joined the human race. Being an introvert, I am not one for big bashes and surprise parties, but I love spending time with the people I love. For me, there is no greater gift than spending time with people who value me and see me for who I am.

And if you are wondering about the Five Love Languages, yes, mine is quality time. So that is what I want. Quality time with the people that matter. Time to eat, drink and talk, and just be present. And time to take in that specific moment in time, and perhaps pause it in your minds eye to try and remember it for what it is, so that you can replay it when you need it on lonely days. Time to appreciate. Time to listen. Time to learn about other people’s dreams, hopes and aspirations or the things that frustrate them and get them down. Time to connect.

Of course, spending quality time with someone requires that you undertake an enjoyable activity together, and give your undivided attention to the other person; which is becoming increasingly difficult in a time where we are always online and always “connected” and distracted, without realising that our real connections are slipping away. There is nothing like being pulled from your comfort zone and the things you took for granted, to make you realise instantly what you gave up and how much it enriched your life. And then you realise that perhaps those little things – birthdays spent with family, Sunday afternoon lunches, talking over the phone or going out for dinner or coffee with a friend – those where the things that actually made your life meaningful, and with those things now inaccessible, it is rather difficult to find alternative ways to meaning.

So how do you survive when someone back home is celebrating a birthday and you can’t be there? You order a gift online. You have it delivered at just the right time – which is tricky with a 10-hour time difference. You send well wishes via whatsapp or Facebook and you hope they will send some photos of what they are up to on the day. You wonder what they are doing and what they are talking about and if they even notice your absence.

And then you cry. You cry until there are no tears left to cry. And then you replay those moments you recorded in your mind of past events. You mentally replay every birthday, every special occasion. You remember where you were, what you ate, who you spoke to and how you felt. And all those memories merge into one giant melting pot of smiles and laughter and the aroma of good food and the comfort of good conversation and warm hugs. And you start planning your visit home. You promise yourself that you will take in every second of every day of your visit, so that you have new memories to replay in times of sadness…

I have “survived” 6 birthdays back home already. And it is only February. This is going to be a tough year. And of course I don’t even want to think of the birthdays we will be “celebrating” here – cut off both in physicality and time from those we love and not being able to share it with anyone. The short answer is, you don’t survive it. You bear it and you celebrate the person in their absence by reminding yourself why you love them, why they matter and how they have enriched your life and then you send them messages telling them how much they mean to you…

 

“Take the way home that leads back to Escombe Street.
Across the water and home through Germiston.
Past the shadow that fall down whenever we meet.
Pretty soon now, you won’t come around…

If you remember, don’t hide it whenever we meet…”

– Die Breyties, Escombe Street

Posted on

Trying to find the upside of loneliness

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” – Rollo May

To a lesser or greater extent, this is probably true of all of us – even introverts; or perhaps even more of introverts. Extroverts have other people to drown out the noise in their inner space. Introverts find activities. We think, we mull, we research, we brood, and we stay busy too avoid having to look inward.

The psychology of solitude studies how human beings are social creatures and how we struggle to deal with long periods of social isolation. If we are alone for too long, our mental faculties degrade, leading to deep despair, and even insanity. This explains why solitary confinement is such an effective punishment and/or torture method. As social animals, we cannot bear to be cut off from social interaction for too long. All of us recognise inside ourselves the need to find the balance between doing our own thing, and building relationships with others that can sustain us. Even if we only recognise it subconsciously. We all struggle to find this balance, because although we want and need relationships, they are also often the source of our greatest stress and suffering.

Hard-wired for connection

So why do we do it? Why do we keep pursuing relationships even though sometimes they make us miserable? It’s simple. We are hard-wired for connection. When a women gives birth, her brain secretes a hormone called oxytocin that allows her to establish an emotional bond with her baby. When the baby receives skin-on-skin contact from its mother, the same hormone is released in the baby’s brain and the baby’s brain starts forming neural networks about bonding, connection and love. When we hug or kiss a loved one, or establish a deep connection with a friend while chatting over coffee, our oxytocin levels increase. For this reason, oxytocin is often called “the love hormone.” In fact, the hormone also plays a huge role in pair bonding. Oxytocin is the hormone that underlies trust and can even be an antidote to depressive feelings. And we are all addicted to it. We can’t help it, because once we have experienced the effects of oxytocin, we want more. This explains how people become addicted to sex for example. If they perhaps did not experience the effects of oxytocin in other ways, because they were not held enough as children or did not bond with anyone, they still need the boost from the hormone, but don’t know how to obtain it in another way.

So being cut off from the source of our connection and bonding, can be hugely debilitating and can lead to severe depression and deep sadness. However, there is a huge difference between loneliness and being alone, because being alone is often a choice. Lena Dunham said on her Women Of The Hour podcast, “I personally love being alone … what I don’t like, is being lonely. For me, loneliness, that cottony separation from the world, hollow-stomached, soul disease is most acute when I’m surrounded by people who don’t or can’t see me“. And she is right, we can feel lonely, even when we are surrounded by people, because the wrong people – people who don’t know you or who don’t particularly care about your personal wellbeing – can actually make you feel isolated and alone. It is only when we spend time with those that genuinely know and love us, that we actually feel connection, and experience the burst of the oxytocin hormone, because we then feel we belong and we are not alone.

Discovering the upside of loneliness

However, we have all experienced being alone and we all know that sometimes, being alone, can be beneficial; that is, if we can face our own demons. Spending time alone can force us to do some introspection, to discover the benefits of meditation or help us be more productive.

When you immigrate to another country, you actually volunteer to be alone and it can be hard sometimes, because being alone for too long, can lead to despair and loneliness. So how do you reap the benefits of being alone without falling into the pit of despair that is loneliness? That is what I have been trying to figure out since we moved to Canada. And I haven’t mastered it yet. I still find myself falling into deep pits of despair and loneliness and crying for hours on end about loved one’s back home. And even though we chat and maintain regular “contact” thanks to technology, it is not the type of contact I crave. Hugs and kisses are impossible, so my oxytocin receptors are not firing. Looking into someone’s eyes, holding their hand, talking face to face, sharing a meal or a cup of cofee… none of these things are possible and you have to make due with cyber coffee chats when the massive time difference allows for a sliver of time to catch up with what’s going on in their lives.

So, typical of my Ennea 6, Wing 5 nature, I research and I try to find answers and I try to make sens of it. And I read article upon article about loneliness and the benefits of loneliness and/or of being alone and none of it resonates. Until I find two articles: Kimberly Gillan’s “The Surprising Upside Of Loneliness In A New City” where she recounts how it felt to move to another city, where she and her husband did not know anyone, and how they desperately tried to slot into the new environment they found themselves in by visiting locals bars, hoping to make some friends. She says: “I now wish I’d been more mindful of the positives of quiet time and spent less time lamenting my lack of friends in that lonely year. There’s a lot to be said for a blank calendar that can be filled with anything you damn well like. You learn to back yourself in a way I don’t think would be possible if you stay in your comfort zone. So if you’re new to a city, can I suggest you utilise your loneliness to learn a new skill, soak up your surroundings or go out on a limb? You’ll quite possibly have the best experiences of your life.”

Ok Kimberly, quiet time, you say. I used to spend a lot of quiet time by myself. I am used to working from home and have no problem staying busy and being productive when I am alone. However, with a toddler in the house, it is now almost impossible to find quiet alone time. So I upend my schedule. I wake up at 04:00 or 05:00 and try to think, write and work when baby is sleeping and I end up working until the early hours of the morning after baby has gone to bed. This definitely increases my productivity, but it isolates me even more, because now I spend less time talking to my husband – the ONLY person I have here that I can connect with – and I am also a zombie during the day when I have to give my little girl my undivided attention. So what to do?

As for the blank calendar, that means nothing when you are still in limbo, trying to find a permanent place to live, trying to establish some sort of routine and still figuring out what your life is going to look like now that you cannot visit family and friends as often as you used to. I must admit the idea is not exciting to me at all. I loved spending time with loved ones simply because they were a welcome break from my busy life. I spend a lot of my time in my head and I work long hours, so taking time out to visit with friends and family was like taking a vacation.

And then there is Karan Bajaj with his beautifully written inspirational piece entitled “The Incredible Upside of Loneliness” where he discusses the rules of the ancient Yogis and proposes that loneliness could be a journey of self-discovery. He explains that you can choose loneliness by moving somewhere where you don’t know anyone and then not holding on to anything and not buying a house. Almost adopt a nomadic lifestyle then. To my adventurous 7 wing this of course sounds promising. It could be a little experiment in self-reinvention. But then he gets to the juicy bit… how you can use loneliness to change the world… and of course as a Ennea 6 with a strong desire to impact the world, I am hooked.

Bajaj suggets that loneliness can help you tap into your creativity. He says: “You tap into a reservoir of completeness when you create, touching the universal and forget your limited self. Use your loneliness as a catalyst to creation–a book, an organization, a idea, a new business process– whatever your medium and feel silent and complete once again“. And of course I had discovered this to be true even before I stumbled upon Bajaj and his writings, because I suddenly had this urge to write. I find my writers block that had developed after my arduous PhD journey had suddenly lifted and I felt I not only wanted, but needed to write. So finally, I can see my way to writing a book after years of wanting and intending to write one, but never actually sitting down and typing the first page.

Bajaj also recommends meditating in times of loneliness. In my yoga practice, I had discovered the wonder of meditation. But I have battled to get back to that quiet space for more than a year now… It is as if it is simply inaccessible right now with worries and concerns wreaking havoc in my internal space. Bajaj insists though: “Don’t fight your loneliness. Instead, use it as a catalyst to internalize that everything is a passing mind state. The sadness of loneliness, the warm glow you feel in companionship, pleasure, pain, nothing lasts. Everything is in flux. Don’t make my mistake. Fast-forward your journey by learning how to meditate or consider this incredible, accessible experience“.

So, I have decided to immerse myself in my loneliness and embrace it as a time for contemplation and self-discovery, because Bajaj also says that at some point your journey into self-discovery, meditation and contemplation will end and you will rejoin your loved ones, but with wisdom and insights to share and with the gift of your learnings from your journeys.

Posted on

Buying a car in Vancouver

In my previous blog post, I gave a breakdown of the public transport system in Vancouver, Canada. Despite all the public transport options in Vancouver, their availability and viability depend on where in the city you live. Some areas of Vancouver are more easily accessible by train or bus than other parts. For this reason, public transport is probably a good option for commuting to work and back, but it does not solve all your travel challenges. Travelling from the Superstore with your groceries  for example, is probably best done with a car unless you can take friends along on the train to help  you carry all your bags – which is difficult to do if you are a newcomer with no friends. Furthermore, for road trips out of the city or across the US border, a car is probably a better mode of transport.

So if you have to or want to buy a car, how do you go about it and what are the pitfalls you need to be aware of?

Start off by investigating your options online. Most dealerships and private sellers advertise online. The best sites to visit are Autotrader or Craigslist Vancouver. Yes, Craigslist. It is very popular here for almost anything from cars to rental properties and anything in between.  Decide whether you want a brand new car or a pre-owned vehicle. Craigslist gives you the option to search either by private owner or by dealership. One key thing to keep in mind, is that the advertised price you see online, is BEFORE tax. So add 15% tax to the price to know what the car is actually going to cost you.*

Before you go into the dealership to test drive and possibly purchase a car, practice your negotiation skills, because you are going to need them! In Canada, the advertised price is not the final price of the car. When you indicate that you want the car, they tell you that they have to consult with their “manager”. They then leave the room and enter a small office for the “negotiation” that they are supposedly conducting on your behalf with their “manager”.

After a while they emerge with a suggested offer to purchase. You then have to decide whether you want to accept the offer or not.  Ideally you should not accept their first offer. Always ask if they cannot make you a better offer. This starts the process again. They excuse themselves to “consult” with their “manager” and once again emerge with a “better” offer and so the process goes until one of the parties concedes.

In an ideal world, you want to buy the car cash, because it saves you from the second round of negotiations which is for finance. Note that if you are a foreigner, they will try to convince you that buying a new car is better than buying a second-hand car – even if you have done the math and know that this is NOT true. They will “appeal to reason” by telling you that applying for finance on a new car, means zero percent interest, whereas finance on a second-hand car will result in higher premiums since you will be charged anything from 5% to 10% interest!!!  (They obviously have not spent time in a country with a failing economy where interest rates can elevate to levels much higher than their “extreme” 10%.)

What they forget to mention, is that if you are buying a new car, you are also applying for finance on a car that is much more expensive than the second-hand car – in this case an additional $9 000 for a new car! So in reality, for you to end up paying more on a second-hand car than a new car when you are financing it, you would have to be paying interest that exceeds the amount of the new car. Do the math. Even at a 10% interest rate, you will still not get there. Suffice to say, their “scare tactics” did not work. We simply held our ground and insisted on buying the second-hand car. Mr. Money Mustache would be proud! Or so we thought. But boy were we wrong!!

Even if you emerge from your negotiations victorious, the battle is far from over, because what you did not consider is that your visa places a restriction on the loan term, since no bank is willing to lend you money for a period of time that runs after your visa has expired. So never calculate your monthly premium on a four-year or five-year term, since the longest you are probably going to get, is 18 months if you are on a two-year visa.

If and when your finance is approved – which is an easy process if you are lucky enough to be employed by Amazon – they will phone you to let you know when you can collect your car. What they do not tell you, is that you will be entering the battle grounds again…

When you arrive to collect your car, you first have to negotiate the terms of your finance. So they give you the premium amount over the phone. But this is not your final premium. This is BEFORE your extended warranty and tire insurance that they try to convince you you MUST have. So before you even have the keys in hand, your budget for your car instalments have suddenly quadrupled! So you become a little hysterical and kindly inform the finance lady that you simply cannot afford that premium and so ensues the next round of negotiations; where she worst-case-scenario’s every possible event that you could ever imagine happening in your life while she tries to convince you that you should ensure your car for more than it is worth “just in case, God forbids something terrible happens!”

One huge benefit of speaking a small unknown local language from South Africa (i.e. Afrikaans) is that you can converse in front of this lady about everything she is telling you without her understanding a single word you are saying. A little rude, you might think, but hell, it is just as rude to keep erecting hurdles in your path to acquiring what is simply put a small and cost-efficient car compared to the monster trucks everyone else on the road is driving.

As the day progresses though, you become more and more despondent and start wondering what the hell you were thinking in the first place. Luckily you remember that you read somewhere that you are legally required to take out insurance with ICBC, which is the Traffic Department of British Columbia. All vehicles on the road must be insured by ICBC. So you enquire about the need for additional insurance on top of the insurance you will have to obtain from ICBC. You are politely informed that it is for “God forbid, just in case you write off your whole car and can’t buy a new one.” They will then pay you $5 000 towards the purchase of a new car but ONLY if it is a Hyundai and ONLY if it is purchased at their branch. So you restrain yourself from bursting out laughing and kindly inform the finance lady that you are going to decline her kind offer. You watch her react in shock and then calmly smile and ask her if she could recalculate your premium.

Just as you think you have won this round, she informs you that without an extended warranty, you will not have road-side assistance or a rental car option if your car breaks down or needs to be repaired after an accident, because in Canada, road-side assistance and a rental car when your car is in the shop is considered a warranty-related matter and not part of normal insurance. So realising that you are planning on doing some travelling across the border to the US, you cry a little inside, and politely inform her that you would like the stupid warranty after all.

Two hours later, they inform you that you are now allowed to choose your new car’s license plate. They hand you a pack of license plates and you literally sift through them and choose the one you like/want. This license plate becomes yours forever. If you ever sell your car, it is removed from the sold car and put on your new car. So your license plate never changes.

After selecting your license plate, you are required to meet with the ICBC representative to discuss your insurance options. The ICBC representative informs you that the minimum damage amount you are allowed to be insured for in case of a third-party collision, is $2 000 000. So you sign up for the lowest package. Then you have to explain your driving and insurance history. Note, if you can provide a formal letter from your previous insurance company in South Africa that states your name, ID number, the number of years you were insured with them and you claims history, you can get 5% discount on your ICBC insurance, for each year you were insured in South Africa, for up to eight years. So make sure you obtain said letter from your insurance broker BEFORE you leave South Africa, otherwise you will have to make mid-night calls back home and beg your previous insurer for a letter.

ICBC insurance policy finalised, you are finally allowed to receive your car. The “joyous” occasion is a little less than joyous simply because you have been in negotiations for 2 hours and 40 minutes, you baby is irate from your insistence that she sit still and keep down the noise for all this time and your Sunday is ruined. You had planned roast chicken and vegetables for lunch, but since it is 14:30 in the afternoon, it will probably have to be roast chicken and vegetables for Sunday dinner. You drive off in your new car, completely overwhelmed with a screaming toddler in tow wondering whether you did the right thing…

Thinking of the quote at the start of this blog post, I am not sure what people would assume about our personalities or driving habits by looking at the car we chose to drive in Vancouver. The choice of car does not tell you as much about our personalities as it does about our own insecurities and our financial savvy or lack thereof. We bought a brand we were familiar with, simply because all the other options were too overwhelming. Even choosing between different second-hand Hyundai Elantras was tricky, because there are so many different versions of the same car! There is the Hyundai Elantra LE, Hyundai, Elantra GL Auto, Hyundai Elantra SE or Hyundai Elantra GLX each with their own special features.

The standard special features you would expect are also very different from what you would be looking for in South Africa. For example, a big thing here is heated seats and a heated steering wheel – a nice thing in really cold weather, but something you would never want standard in your car in South Africa. Sun roofs are also a big thing, despite the lack of sun hours in the winter and the fact that you could literally go for weeks without seeing the sun. I suppose it is more useful in summer time. We will have to wait and see…

For what it is worth, here are some photos of our new car…

*Everything in Canada is advertised with the price before tax, which is very different from South Africa where the advertised price already includes tax.

Posted on

The homesickness stuckness loop

It is difficult to explain to people who have not experienced it first-hand, how debilitating home-sickness can be. That gut-wrenching, soul-twisting, downward-spiralling, deep pit of darkness you transcend into that disarms you at the weirdest times of the day. During the times when you feel homesick, you get stuck in this loop of past memories that are so overwhelming that you cannot even take in what is happening around you in the present. You don’t notice the elements in your new environment that could be elements of awe, excitement and inspiration, because your despair is so deep and overwhelming that it removes you from the space you’re in and allows you to travel thousands of miles and many oceans in an instant. In your mind’s eye you can see, smell, taste and touch home… And you imagine that the memories of home will always be better than anything that can happen in the present.

Why does homesickness have this effect? It is simple, we are creatures of habit and anything that is familiar seems safe and better than anything that is new or different or unfamiliar. When you move to a new country, you are informed that you are “starting a new life“. You, and everyone else of course, anticipate that your “new life” is going to be better than the one you are living now. But are you starting a new life, or simply continuing your life on a different path?

Martin Seligman* believes a more apt name for our species would be Homo Prospectus, because we thrive by considering our prospects. Anticipating the future, both consciously and unconsciously, is a central function of our brains. This way of looking at our psychological make-up, is of course very different to how psychologists and neuroscientists have looked at us up to now. For the past century most researchers have assumed that we’re prisoners of the past and the present. But it is becoming clear that the mind is mainly drawn to the future, not driven by the past. Seligman explains that learning does not occur through the storage of static memories, but rather through the continual imagining of future possibilities.

When a hugely upsetting emotional event – like moving to the other side of the world – happens, what sets us into a downward spiral of depression, is not so much the weirdness and unfamiliarity of our present circumstances, but rather the expectation that this uncomfortable situation might not improve and that we could potentially be “stuck” in this unpleasantness indefinitely. As a consequence we also start re-framing our memories of past events and convince ourselves that these were in fact much better than they might actually have been.

Here is why depression and homesickness can make matters worse. Seligman explains that the depression and anxiety inhibit our ability to be optimistic about the future. Studies have shown depressed people have a tendency to imagine fewer positive scenarios while overestimating future risks. As an Ennea 6, I tend to think strategically and anticipate events in advance, but I also tend to worst-case-scenario things. My propensity to fall into a pit of anxiety and depression is thus often stronger than it is for most other people. Any disruption in routine that breaks connections that I have meticulously and carefully built, pushes me into the claws of depression.

I agree with Seligman that memories of past traumas are not what cause anxiety.  From my own personal experience I can say that I have emerged stronger from difficult events in my life. I think that the main reason why people who have gone through trauma tend to imagine fewer positive scenarios and overestimate what could go wrong, is because they have not consciously become aware of the meta skills they have acquired that enabled them to survive their past traumas in the first place. We often survive difficult situations without ever really consciously understanding our own psychologies and HOW we did it.

To understand the unconscious mental processes taking place when we are in difficult situations requires the mental and emotional ability to “step back” from the situation and observe what is happening to us mentally and emotionally. What are we thinking and why? What are we feeling and why? This is not an easy task, because it requires quietening the mind and accessing the observer and trusting your instincts about what you are experiencing (something that is very difficult for a Ennea 6 to to).

When homesickness becomes debilitating, it is sometimes difficult to remember our own resilience and adaptability. Life presents us with these times of discomfort to stretch us and help us grow. So when it becomes difficult to focus on anything else but home, then make contact with someone at home. Vent and cry and then find something new and different but exciting or fun to do in your new environment to remind yourself why you are on this journey in the first place. Pretty soon, this unfamiliar place becomes a little less strange and a little more familiar. Whether it will ever be home, is another matter. We shall have to wait and see.

*You can read about Martin Seligman’s latest research here.

Posted on

Searching for the Sun

So you wake up and there is literally no sun to wake you and help you start your day. The pain and exhaustion of homesickness is felt in every cell of your body. You feel run down and tired. You feel lost, and empty, and alone. The festivities that surrounded Christmas are all gone and the novelty of the snow is wearing off and suddenly you miss home. You miss having something familiar to cling to.

You miss early morning runs at 05:00 on summer mornings; your feet hitting the tar, the fresh air in your chest, seeing the sun rise, feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin and the thrill of completing a long run, the sweat on your skin, the dull ache in your legs and that feeling of satisfaction of knowing that you beat the lazy bug and got up and did something worthwhile with your day.

You miss sitting in your garden listening to the birds, feeling the warm sun on your skin and the soft grass under your feet. You miss lazy summer days and having a braai with friends.

You miss seeing your favourite band playing at your favourite spot or having a cappuccino at your local coffee shop. You miss brunch with your best friends talking about politics, religion, philosophy and everything in between…

You miss visiting the cinema and watching some philosophical film that makes you question everything you know. You miss sharing your latest music finds with friends and family and debating what the best songs or movies of all time are.

You miss snuggling up to your loved one and watching your favourite show in the peace and quiet of your home…You miss the noise of the pipes and the leaking of the roof and the cats wreaking havoc in the yard and dragging their kills into the house to show you.

You miss going to your favourite hatha yoga class; quietening the mind, focusing on your breathing, feeling your muscles stretch and taking in the splendour of a quiet mind…

You miss Sunday evening blues, and French toast and Rooibos tea and laughing until it hurts…

You miss working for hours until your back and head hurts, but feeling more alive than you have in years. You miss talking to someone who gets you; who knows what makes you tick and who loves you for it.

You miss all these things and more. But for now they are part of a past life, a life that sometimes feels like a distant dream. I life that resembles a place you used to know that feels very, very far away right now. Perhaps you have to know the bitter before you can truly appreciate the sweet. Perhaps you have to know the immense pain of a broken heart to truly understand the heart that is filled to the brim with joy… Perhaps you have to feel this longing and this emptiness now so that you will remind yourself to indulge in every precious second spent on those things you long for most when you finally have them again…

Posted on

Breyties decide to take on Canada

So, you decide that you want to emigrate. You have become disillusioned by the country you call home and you think that perhaps the grass is going to be greener somewhere else. You start racking up the reasons for your decision to emigrate – the economy is failing, the currency is worthless, crime is out of control, society is falling apart, no-one abides by the laws anymore, the government is corrupt, public services are dysfunctional, the educational system is failing etc. You are sick and tired of just getting by. You want to get back to the business of living. And you believe it can be accomplished by leaving, because you have heard of so many others making it work in other countries.

So, you choose your location, you begin the research and you start to wonder if you measure up and whether you will make the cut. You start looking for work. Perhaps you attend a few information seminars and you have experts assess your eligibility. If you are lucky – really lucky – like my husband, you are headhunted and offered the opportunity of a lifetime. You realise that there is never going to be another opportunity like this. Considering all the reasons why home is no longer a viable option (see reasons above), you decide that you would be a fool not to take this opportunity. Even though the location was not one of your choosing, you start warming to the idea, because everything you read about your potential new home is wonderful.

People are taken aback when you tell them you are leaving. Some take you seriously. Others do not. Most try to justify the hand they were dealt – i.e. having to stay in a country where the economy is failing and the crime is out of control and the currency is worthless and government is corrupt and dysfunctional etc. What else can they do? They did not win the lottery like you. You feel a little guilty. You feel like you have to defend your decision. You feel a little selfish. But you keep reminding yourself that you did “win the lottery” in this instance and that you would be foolish to give it up. You start having the “what if” conversations with your partner. What if we stay? Will we look back and wonder whether we should have gone? Will we perhaps regret it? What if we go and we hate it? Can we come back? Not likely. It is going to cost a fortune to get there in the first place.

So, you start the process. You sit for the language test. You subject yourself to the medical examinations. You obtain your police clearance. You fill in the mountains of documentation. You obtain references from previous employers. You validate your qualifications. You endure the grinding visa “interviews” (read “interrogations”). You jump through every single hoop they tell you to. You start reading up about your new home. You try to learn as much as possible about life over there – the weather, taxes, housing, transportation, the culture, activities and things to see and do etc. Some of the things sound weird to you. We don’t do it like that over here, you think. Others sound exciting. Wow, I can’t believe people have that over there. Your wander lust kicks in and the excitement builds about the places you are going to see and the new experiences you are going to have.

But the process is long. In the meantime, your life must go on. So, you keep working and doing your thing and waiting and waiting for that faithful day when you finally hear your visa is ready for collection. You put your house in the market, hoping you will sell it in time. But the economy is almost stagnant and no-one is buying and you wait and you wait. Frustration sets in. You might be stuck here with property you cannot dispose of. So, you devise plans for how you will manage it. Will you rent it out? Will you give someone else power of attorney to sell it on your behalf? What are you going to do without the money you are supposed to make off selling the house? You were kind of betting on that money to see you through the first two months in your new country, because you won’t be earning an income yet. So, you make another plan. You cancel all your insurance policies. You have your investments paid out to you. You sell your cars and appliances (they won’t work on the other side). You draw up budgets and you research what food and living expenses are going to be once you arrive in your new country. Reality starts setting in. This is going to be tough. We won’t have any money. We are going to struggle. We will need to spend wisely until we start working.

One year later, visa in hand, reality sinks in. It is time to book plane tickets. It is time to arrange accommodation. It is time to say goodbye. And you realise that despite all your research and preparation, you are not ready. Suddenly the fear sets in. You don’t want to leave. It is going to be too hard to say goodbye. So, you spend as much time as you can with loved ones. You commit to chatting via video call once you are on the other side. Then you realise the time difference means you will be cut off from people for most of the day… You stress eat and you don’t sleep and small things trigger a gush of tears. Your tickets are booked. There is no turning back now. People want to know if you are excited. You assess your internal space and you find you are not. You are simply overwhelmed and terrified and incredibly sad.

You say your goodbyes. You cry until you have no tears left. You get on a plane and you watch your home grow smaller in the distance as you say your final goodbye and embark on a journey you have convinced yourself for more than a year you wanted to take, but now you are not so sure anymore.

You arrive on the other side, shell-shocked and exhausted and pushed to your absolute emotional limit. Everything is so clean and efficient. People are friendly, but not warm, because you are foreign to them and they are foreign to you. You acquire your rental car and wonder what in the world you were thinking imagining that you would DRIVE YOURSELF to your accommodation! You get into the wrong side of the car and then remember that they drive on the other side of the road here. So, you get into the “right” side of the car and then realise that you have no idea what you are doing. Baby is screaming because she is tired and she can sense your angst. So, she is not pleased. Your first car ride through the city is not one of awe and amazement, but one of sheer terror as you try to get a screaming baby to calm down and navigate through traffic whilst remembering to drive on the “wrong” side of the road, which is now the “right” side of the road!

Considering the sheer level of exhaustion and overwhelm you are experiencing upon arrival, you feel like you could literally fall apart at the first sign of trouble. When you take the bigger picture into consideration, you suppose you had less setbacks than most people who embark on this journey. You have paid accommodation for the first 30 days and a rental car to get around. Most people who arrive here as immigrants start with nothing. They must figure out the public transport system on arrival and they end up living in someone’s basement for the first few months. So, you suppose it could be worse.

It nonetheless does not minimize the stress you are under to find permanent accommodation and to secure a driver’s license and/or figure out the public transport system. On top of that there is obtaining Social Insurance Numbers, opening bank accounts, orientating yourselves about the local environment – i.e. where the shops and the community centre are; where the nearest pharmacy is; how to obtain a family doctor etc. Your little baby girl gets sick within the first few days and suddenly the grass is not so green on the other side. You have to have a public medical services card to use the public medical health, but you can only obtain one if you have been here for three months. So currently you do not qualify. So what to do in the interim. So you go from walk-in clinic to walk-in clinic, only to be told that baby needs to be sicker before she can get help. No medicine. No help. So you make another plan. You self-medicate and you stay indoors because it’s too cold outside.

Days spent indoors… and frustration sets in. You feel overwhelmed, disoriented and you miss home so much it hurts. You wonder what everyone else is doing back home. You find yourself waking up at 02:00 or 03:00 in the morning, because you know it is afternoon back home and you send messages to loved ones inquiring how they are and what they are up to. It feels as if your life is standing still and you are simply waiting for the next moment when you can talk to someone back home. You spend your early mornings on video calls crying and having to be reassured by family who feel powerless to change your situation and who end up worrying about you and not being able to concentrate on their own lives that now have to go on without you.

Your mom-in-law sends you a picture of the photo she has next to her bed of her granddaughter that is now 16 000 km away. And you break down and cry. You are invited to visit a South African family who has walked the path before you and who has now made this their new home and you hear them tell you that their kids don’t realise they have grandparents because they were born here. And you find yourself thinking, but my baby girl knows her grandparents and she deserves to know them. Have I done her an injustice by taking her away from them? Did I do irreparable damage to her development? She was brought into a world filled with love. So many back home are heartbroken because they no longer get to spend time with her and you feel like the most selfish person in the world. What have you done? Home is where the heart is and your heart belongs to your family. What is life without the ones who love us authentically?

You hear your new “friends” (read “acquaintances”) say that you do what you need to do to survive over here. They tell you to make friends with others who are on the same journey, even if you would not have befriended them back home. It is better than being alone, they say. At least you share a common background, they say. But you ask yourself can I live my life like this? Will superficial, platonic relationships sustain me over time? And the answer is no. Those who have not experienced the immense satisfaction derived from deep authentic relationships with others, will probably not understand how it feeds your soul and empowers you during your darkest hours. Those who have not known the world of difference one hug could make from the right person, will not understand. But those of you who share that connection, know that it feels like your heart has been ripped out of your chest and you are now required to go on living without your heart.

You know yourself better than most people do. You have spent a lot of time analyzing your core motivations and fears. You have clarified your values. You know what matters. But perhaps you needed to travel to the other side of the world to realise what you would be willing to do to hold on to that which matters most…