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Letting go of your future self in favour of your current self

When you decide to immigrate, you start imagining what your new life is going to be like. You conduct research about your new home and you try to put as much as possible in place. But in all honesty, no amount of preparation or research can prepare you for how your future self will handle a future life in an unknown place. I’ve been in Canada for eight months now, and I am yet to find some sort of equilibrium. I had big ideas and big dreams, but I can honestly say that I was wholly unprepared for my future self’s response to this transition.

Some people seem to have a clear sense of who they are. Or perhaps they haven’t taken the time for the introspection required to realise who they are. Either way, they don’t seem to have this internal struggle that I find myself battling every day. The struggle to know who I am and to anticipate what my future self will want and how she will react in different situations.

As someone who values order and structure, I like to have a plan for whatever I take on in life. And I suppose right there was my first mistake – assuming that a plan would make the transition easier. It did not. In fact, in some instances, I believe having a plan made matters worse, because as you can imagine, life is not bothered with your plans. What’s the saying? “Life is what happens while you are busy making plans” … This is how I’ve felt over the last eight months. I’ve been making one plan after another and it seems my life has been living itself. Or perhaps my life has morphed and taken on a “life” of its own, whilst I was trying to reign it in and “mould” (read “force”) it to my will…

What any wise person would tell you, is that when you fight against the flow of life, everything feels like a struggle. It is so much easier to give up to the flow of life. I still believe there are times, when the right thing to do, IS to fight against or to swim against the stream – the times when giving in means sacrificing your values or who you are. But on most other days, fighting against life, is actually denying your real self to come to the fore and figuring out who you are and what you want.

Typical of my ambitious nature, I had set many goals for this “new life” of mine. I was going to transform myself into a fitter, healthier, more productive and more successful version of myself…

But I severely underestimated what disconnection, loneliness, heartache, homesickness and overwhelm can do to your sense of self and your desire to even want to strive towards goals. I am an optimistic and dynamic person by nature. I have always relied on my resilience and my ability to bounce back from setbacks. And although I told myself it was going to be difficult, I still somehow believed that I would just “get over it and move on”.

I could not have been more wrong. Fit and healthy. Forget about it. Four months of the most extreme cold I had ever experienced, and incredible loneliness meant I gave up running altogether and decided to eat my sorrows away. Of course, as everyone knows, eating when you’re sad and depressed, just leads to even greater sadness and more eating. Vicious cycle. Before you know it, you don’t recognise the person in the mirror staring back at you.

Add to the mix, six months of severe sleep deprivation. Baby was struggling with this new adjustment just as much as we were, and she decided that the best way to deal with her chaotic and overwhelming emotions, was to cling to Mummy for dear life and never sleep. So, I spent the first six months of our stay in Canada sleeping no more than 3 hours a night. Being an insomniac meant that I was used to only sleeping a few hours a night, but broken, interrupted sleep is soooo much worse than sleeping uninterrupted; if only for a few hours… Eventually, you don’t know who you are anymore. Nothing makes sense and your concentration levels are below zero. You struggle to find any inspiration and eventually just give up on trying.

Four months of living in temporary accommodation added to the uncertainty and overwhelm we were feeling. It is the hardest thing to try and implement some sort of routine when you know everything you do, is only temporary and will have to change at a moment’s notice. There’s this growing movement of young people opting out of the normal routine of life and electing to become nomadic travellers. It’s a spin-off of living more minimalistically. They are just settling anywhere they end up and then only for a short period of time, before moving on. If my husband and I were younger and we did not have a baby, I would have seen this transition as an adventure – a way for us to become nomadic travellers and see more of the world. But the moment you have kids, your perspective changes. I’m not saying being nomadic parents can’t work, I just know it can’t work for us. I’ve seen how the lack of routine and security has affected our little one and I believe that children function better in a secure environment with routines in place. Now I know a lot of that comes down to you as the parent. You provide the security and the structure and the routine. But that requires that YOU have a strong sense of self and that YOU feel grounded. And I had lost my ground. I felt lost to myself and to the world.

I knew I had to be strong for the little one, but as the weeks turned into months and I felt my sense of self slip further and further away, it became increasingly difficult to find and maintain a stable and secure sense of self. Don’t get me wrong, I tried. I really did. I tried multiple times to register with a family doctor to obtain some help – six times with no success in the last eight months. I tried running by myself. I signed up for different training classes – from yoga to kickboxing. I tried reshuffling my routine about a hundred times. I read books, and blogs and watched videos and tried to “counsel” myself. I tried exploring new places. I even tried speaking to a psychologist about the fact that I’m battling to adjust. Not only did I receive no sympathy or understanding, I also found myself explaining the basics of psychology to this person who was supposed to help me. When it got to a point where I was answering her questions about basic personality types and the role of values in one’s life, I decided that this particular counsellor-patient relationship was not going to work.

So, what have I learnt over the last eight months?

First, figure out if you really know your current self. The real you. Not your ideal self or the person you tell other people you are or the person you hope to become or the person you hope to find by moving to the other side of the world – your real self. The one you are now. The person you are when no-one else is around. The self that skips the gym and chooses to veg on the couch watching Netflix instead. The self that eats the chocolate instead of the salad, because even though you know the salad is better for you, the chocolate makes you hate your life less right now.

What I always intuitively knew about myself, but did not want to acknowledge to myself, was how much I actually depend on other people. I try to convince myself that I don’t need other people. But I do. More than the average person does. As an Ennea 6, I don’t always trust my inner voice, so I often turn to others for confirmation of what I intuitively know, but don’t trust is the right thing for me unless someone else somehow validates it for me. Of course, the most important personal growth I can accomplish, is learning to trust my inner voice more and rely less on others’ validation. However, I don’t think the best way to do that, is to remove all people from your life in one instant. All this does, is cripple you and make you feel completely disconnected and isolated. In stead of finding ways to trust myself more and build my own confidence, all I ended up doing was mourning the loss of those I hold dear; wishing I was with them once more and replaying old memories over and over and basically getting stuck in the past, missing a life I had so carelessly given up without even realising WHAT I was giving up…

Second, make plans. Do research, but don’t imagine that anything will pan out the way you think it will. Be ready for curve balls. Know that the unexpected will happen and it will catch you off guard and you will doubt yourself and even regret leaving your comfort zone. But accept that life is going to happen regardless of your planning or lack thereof and that at the end of the day, you will either make a choice or the choice will be made for you.

Third, know that people back home won’t always understand. They will try to be supportive and they will try to give you “advice” but keep in mind that some experiences are difficult to relate to if you haven’t been through them yourself. Try to remember how you thought it was going to be, when you were still back home and only planning this transition and then you will begin to understand how those back home see it and why they don’t always understand. Forgive them for that, because it doesn’t mean they don’t love you. The fact that they are trying so hard to “help” means just that: they love you. And it is hard for them to see you this way and to not know how to make it better.

Fourth, it is important to find people who are in the same boat as you, who have gone through it, because they get it. But choose carefully. Some people are much further along in the journey than you are and might have forgotten what it feels like to be in the starting gate. They have left the scared, lonely and uncertain versions of themselves behind and are building new lives for themselves and your sad demeanour actually makes them uncomfortable. Find people who can be comfortable with your sadness and your homesickness. For me, personally, I avoid older South Africans who left South Africa more than 20 or 30 years ago. They grew up in a different time and they don’t have the same memories or feelings about South Africa. They don’t get me, and they don’t know the South Africa that I know. I love my country and I did not embark on this journey to run away from my home. I embarked on this journey to grow and stretch myself, for new learning opportunities and to ensure a future for my child.

Fifth, be kind to yourself. The biggest mistake I made, was not being kind to myself. I could not “forgive” myself for not “getting over it and moving on”. I would beat myself up over every little failure along the way. Eventually, I just became a shadow of my past self. I didn’t recognise myself and felt like I had no control over my life. Of course, I would berate myself for it, consequently making a bad situation worse. So, don’t set too many big goals for the first year. Your only goal should be to find a new normal. That’s it. What is normal for me in my new life? What does my routine look like? What do I like about my new life and my new environment, that I can consciously try to bring into my life more often?

Sixth, cry. Cry as much as you need to. Acknowledge to yourself how you really feel. Be willing to experience even your deepest and darkest emotions, because the only way to the other side, is through it. You have to feel the loneliness, the self-doubt, the anger, the frustration, the sadness, the despair. Only then can you move to a new sense of calm, serenity and joy. I have managed a few days of calm and joy. But unfortunately, most of my days are still filled with loneliness, self-doubt, despair, anger and frustration. I suppose, because I was trying to ignore how I was feeling and move on despite how I was feeling, I have inadvertently delayed the healing process. So now, I try to feel all of it and I let myself be sad and weak. I allow myself the space to be tired or to feel like nothing works and I work through it, in the hope that I will find release or salvation on the other side of the difficult emotions…

Seventh, don’t stop loving. Don’t give up on the one’s you love; especially if your greatest sense of meaning lies in the abstract and in things like love, connection and family – which I imagine is where it is for most people; even when they don’t want to admit it to themselves. Find ways to connect. Find ways to remain actively involved in the lives of the people you care about. Hangouts and Skype can never replace the real thing, but it can make the pain bearable.

Lastly, budget. If there is one area of your life where you MUST have a plan, it is finances. Have a budget, stick to it and use it to build a life that works for you. For me, connecting with family and friends trumps anything else. So, I give up luxuries and any other non-essentials to save up and visit home. For now, it is the only way to stay sane. Perhaps that will change over time. But I have stopped trying to imagine I know what my future self would want, and I’ve decided that it makes more sense to focus on what would bring my current self a sense of purpose or joy. After all, my current self is real – flaws and all. She is still who I am right now; whereas my future self will be shaped by the choices I make today, and I want those choices to reflect a life of purpose, connection and value.

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Househunting in Vancouver

So, when you move to a new country, one of the first and most important things you will have to do, is find a place to live. So where do you start? And what are the factors you need to keep in mind? What housing options are available in Vancouver?

Most people who work in the city – especially those working for Amazon – prefer to live in the city centre. The benefit of course is that you are close to work and you don’t have to travel that far to get to the office. In fact, depending on how close you live to where you work, you could even walk or ride a bike to work. However, the drawback is that your only housing options are high-rise apartments; which is fine if you are single, but this can pose a problem if you have a family – especially a family with small kids. We didn’t like the idea of living in an apartment with a toddler, because we believe she needs space to run around. Besides, in South Africa we owned a house with a big backyard, so we were hoping to find something that had a garden or backyard of some sort for Emma to play in.

We made the call to house hunt in the suburban areas just outside of the city centre and not to settle in the city centre for two reasons: firstly, the need for space for Emma and the cats and secondly, because we simply could not afford the apartments in the city centre. Renting an apartment in the city centre could cost you anything between $3 500 and $6 500 a month depending on the size and location of the apartment. For those of you in South Africa, multiply by 10 to work out the price in South African rand. $3 500 (or R35 000) per month would get you a one-bedroom apartment in the city centre. Two-bedroom apartments go for about $4 000 to $4 500 (or between R40 000 and R45 000) a month!

As you move further out of the city centre, rental properties become “cheaper” and you also have more options. You don’t have to live in an apartment, you could opt for a condo or a basement suite or a full house. So how did we decide where to live? Who did we contact, or where did we look for available rentals?

How we decided where to live

In our first few weeks here, we took the time to drive around all the areas in Vancouver, including North Vancouver, Richmond, Burnaby, Surrey, Coquitlam, Port Coquitlam, Pitt Meadows and Maple Ridge.

A map of greater Vancouver and surrounding areas to give you some perspective

North Vancouver is stunningly beautiful. You are surrounded by mountains and it has more of quint Cape Town type of vibe. There are smaller shops and lots of fun outdoor activities like hiking trails, suspension bridges and parks. However, it is VERY expensive. It is probably just as expensive as the city centre or a close second. Most of the available rental options that fit our budget were simply not spacious enough or were a bit neglected. There are two other things to keep in mind about living in North Vancouver. Firstly, you can only get to the city centre with a bus. There are no trains that run from North Vancouver. This is not necessarily a bad thing, since the bus is much faster. The average commute is about 26 minutes. Unless of course the bus services are on strike; which sometimes happens – yes, believe it or not, even in Canada, they sometimes strike. We have had one bus strike in the last six months of living here. The other thing about living in North Vancouver, is the fact that the streets are narrow, and the houses don’t have garages, so you are forced to park in the street – very much like in Cape Town – but there is not much space. So, if you own a car – which you should if you live in North Vancouver unfortunately, because it is the best way to get around – you will struggle with parking all the time. So again, this was a no for us. We wanted more house for our money and we wanted a garage.

Deep Cove, North Vancouver
Deep Cove, North Vancouver

Richmond and Burnaby were also too expensive, and Burnaby has a lot of old houses with old wiring and again no garages to park your car in. Surrey has gorgeous large houses, but locals here told us that it is their “dodgy” area; which we can’t imagine is anything as dodgy as some parts of Johannesburg. However, public transport from both Burnaby and Surrey are also not that great. There are not a lot of trains to the city centre, so you would need a car and we had decided from the start that Johann would use public transport to get to work and that we would only buy one car to use for emergencies, grocery shopping and travel. Pitt Meadows and Maple Ridge are the more “rural” areas of Vancouver with larger stretches of land and small farm holdings as well as beautiful suburbs. The houses are huge and affordable compared to the city centre, Burnaby and Surrey. In Maple Ridge, you could rent a three- or four-bedroom home for between $2 600 and $3 500 and then you have access to the full house and a garden. However, it is very far out from the city and the average commute to work would be about two hours there and two hours back. Understandably, Johann did not want to spend 4 hours a day travelling to and from work.

So, we settled for the happy medium. We chose Coquitlam. It is in between Burnaby, Surrey, Pitt Meadows and Maple Ridge and has the best bus and train network; providing easy access to the West Coast Express and thus shortening Johann’s commute to work. Additionally, Coquitlam is built in a smart way. There is lake in the middle of the city – LaFarge Lake. The community centre and aquatic complex is right across from the lake. So are two train stations – LaFarge Lake Station and Coquitlam Central Station. All the malls and shops are around this area and the suburbs and houses expand from here. So, whether you want to get to the train station or the community centre or the mall, you just drive to the middle of the city. Housing options are in the middle range in Coquitlam anywhere between $2 500 and $4 500 depending on what you are looking for. There are apartments, but there are also lots of condos – especially in the Westwood Plateau and Burke Mountain areas. These two areas are growing rapidly with new developments and there are new condominium complexes popping up everywhere. And then of course there are basement suites and houses.

Coquitlam City Centre at LaFarge Lake
Coquitlam City Library

So, what the heck are basements suites?

In South Africa, most houses are flat on the ground – called a “rancher” house in Canada. You get the occasional double story house with stairs, but most houses are on one level. This takes up a lot of space on the ground and is thus impractical in Vancouver.  Therefore, in Vancouver most, if not all, of the houses are built in levels to provide the same number of rooms but take up less physical space on the ground. So, the average house in Vancouver, consists of three storeys. Because most of Vancouver is quite hilly, they can build houses where you have access to the middle level or the lower level from the ground.

So, the lower level is usually your garage and basement, the middle level is your living area; which includes a living room, dining room and kitchen and the upper level is usually where the bedrooms and bathrooms are. A basement suite therefore is where a house has a large lower level and they put up dry wall in the basement to separate it into different rooms and thus turn it into an apartment. Many people then live in the middle and upper part of the house and rent the lower part of their house out to renters. If you are new to Vancouver and strapped for cash, a basement suite is a good option. It is like an apartment but on the ground. It is the cheapest housing in Vancouver and usually the utilities are also split 70% and 30% between the home owner and the basement occupant, so you only pay for 30% of the water and electricity.

I suppose for South Africans, this sounds weird. We were freaked out by the idea of living in someone else’s basement, because remember you technically share the house and the garden with the owner. Usually you have a separate entrance, so you do have some privacy. But depending on the way the house was built, it could mean that you don’t have a lot of windows in your apartment and thus very little light coming into your house. That to me, was just too depressing. I like natural light and couldn’t imagine living in a basement on top of the already miserable, rainy weather we have in Vancouver for up to 8 months of the year.

Where do you find available rentals?

The best place to look for rentals is on Craigslist Vancouver. Craigslist is incredibly popular in Vancouver. People sell almost anything on Craigslist and most landlords list their properties on Craigslist. It is much cheaper than working through an agent; although most landlords even use agents on Craigslist. Why are estate agents a problem? Unlike in South Africa where estate agents are quite flexible and very eager for a sale and would thus accommodate your schedule, estate agents in Vancouver are swamped with requests for property and thus they dictate the schedule. They can and will refuse to see you at a time that is inconvenient for them. Some of them for example refuse to work on weekends, or only do showings and viewings of available properties in the middle of the day. They couldn’t care less about your work schedule or your urgency in finding a place to live, because they have so many potential tenants that they will just make the property available to the next person who is willing to jump through their hoops. It is incredibly frustrating, because you can literally spend days phoning and leaving messages and typing e-mails without receiving a reply.

This is where we were lucky, because we had the assistance of a company called Dwellworks. They help you settle in when you arrive in Vancouver. One of their representatives is available for three days to assist you with the matters you identify as most critical to you. So, you could for example ask that they help you obtain your social security number (or social insurance number at it is called in Canada), that they help you open a bank account, that they help you find a place to live, that they help you find an appropriate school for your children etc. But you only have three days, so you must choose wisely. If they assist with finding you a place to live, they phone all the estate agents on your behalf and negotiate the rental agreement on your behalf. All you have to do, is identify the places you are interested in.

Despite the assistance of Dwellworks, it still took us four months to find a place to rent and we considered about 106 properties in total. Most places were either too expensive, or did not allow pets, or were too far away from the nearest bus or train station, making Johann’s commute to work difficult. We ended up selecting a condo or what we would call a townhouse in South Africa. It is in a “complex” and although it looks like South African complexes with all the units in the complex built in the same style, it does not have the same level of security you would be used to in South Africa. There is no gate at the front entrance of the complex, no security guards patrolling the perimeter of the property or having you sign in when you enter the complex, no gates, no electric fencing and barely even any walls to talk about.

Each unit is 3 stories, with the garage at the lower level, the living area – i.e. living room, dining room and kitchen – on the middle level and the bedrooms and bathrooms on the top level. Each unit also has a very small patch of garden that can be accessed from a glass sliding door in the kitchen. The only thing separating you from your neighbours though, are a few small trees and shrubs and a tiny wooden gate that marks off the perimeter of your garden patch. But everyone has access to everyone else’s garden, so it is not entirely strange to find a random person transiting through your garden to his garden – especially with garden utensils or potted plants or wood beams or even furniture. It is something to get used to, especially for South Africans who are not only always on high alert for suspicious-looking strangers who might want to do you harm, but also incredibly private people who tend to prefer their gardens to be private spaces not shared with others…

What are some of the things to keep in mind when renting in Vancouver?

As mentioned in a previous blog post, most landlords do not allow pets, so it is sometimes difficult to find pet-friendly accommodation and if you do find a landlord who is willing to accept pets, he/she will charge you a pet damage deposit on top of the security deposit you would be required to pay when signing a lease agreement. So, you might end up paying two months’ rent in advance for your new home.

Leases are usually for 12 months. In rare situations you might find a lease for 6 months, but most landlords rent for at least 12 months. Others for 24 months. It is very difficult to get out of a lease agreement. If you cancel your lease before it is up, you might have to continue to pay for the remaining months even though you move to another place. Most landlords see it as breach of contract and insist that you serve out the full term of the lease, because they might not be able to find a new tenant immediately after you move out. What some people do to get out of a lease, is they find the landlord a new tenant to take over their lease, and then give notice to the landlord that they want to terminate the lease agreement.

When you sign the lease agreement and collect the keys to your new place, the landlord will expect you to provide him/her with 12 post-dated cheques for the full term of your lease. Yes, they still use cheques. And no, they do not accept electronic funds transfers or debit orders for payment of rent. Don’t worry though, they cannot cash the cheque until the date written on the cheque, so you must just ensure that you have money in your account at the end of each month to cover the cheque amount.

And then finally, one little piece of good news, most if not all rental properties are rented out with all major appliances. So, the refrigerator, washing machine, tumble drier, dishwasher and microwave are usually included in your rent. This saves you a tonne of money on buying new appliances; especially if you’ve just arrived in Vancouver after selling all your appliances in South Africa – which you must do, by the way, because your South African appliances won’t work in Canada. They use a different voltage system.

One unfortunate reason for our long struggle to find a suitable place to rent, was due to racial discrimination of all things. In certain areas of Vancouver, especially Surrey, Burnaby and parts of Coquitlam and Port Coquitlam, many of the landlords are Chinese immigrants. They have bought up most of the property in Vancouver and some of them only rent to Chinese renters and refuse to rent their properties out to other racial groups.

Although we struggled for four months to find a place to live, it was a blessing in disguise, because our shipment of furniture from South Africa was delayed several times. The original estimates we received for the shipment of our furniture was 12 weeks, but it ended up taking 16 weeks for our furniture to arrive in Vancouver. Thanks to Amazon, we had temporary accommodation to stay in and managed to get by without really needing much of our furniture. However, for people going it alone, it can cause a huge problem, since you might move into a new place but still have to wait for your furniture and end up sleeping on the floor and living off take-aways or staying in a hotel until your stuff arrives which can be very costly. So, it’s something to keep in mind.

We still don’t regret shipping our furniture though, because furniture in Vancouver is very expensive. You could easily end up spending double the value of your furniture back in South Africa just to refurbish your home. A tip though is to get rid of all your junk and at least half of your furniture before you leave South Africa. Houses in Vancouver are much smaller than in South Africa. We gave away and sold half of our stuff before we left South Africa and still ended up with too much stuff that we now have to donate or sell, because we don’t have space for it.

Looking back on this experience, although it was frustrating living in temporary accommodation for so many months, it turned out well for us. We ended up renting a condo in a beautiful complex that is child-friendly and surrounded by beautiful parks and walking trails. We have a view of the mountain and apparently, we will get to see bears in summer as they are quite popular in the Burke Mountain area.

Our complex, Farrington Park
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Should you take your pets with you when you emigrate?

My two furry children, Darwin (left) and Snowy (right) with my not-so-furry child in the background. Happy care-free days in warm, sunny South Africa with them just lazing about.

For most of us, our pets are part of the family. In my case, I hand-raised my one cat. He was a feral kitten only 5 weeks old, and abandoned by his mother when I got him. He was completely wild. It was with great joy and pride that I managed to tame him enough to at least get him to behave in a civil manner towards the humans in his most immediate environment. Our second cat – imagines himself a dog – but is a lovable addition to our family, and to a great extent, they are my children. I know some would frown at this, but I also know that there are a lot of pet lovers out there that share my sentiment, and who get how easily an animal can claim a space in your heart and in your life and how difficult it is to just discard these special members of your family.

So, when my husband tried to convince me to move to Canada, one of my conditions was that I get to take my cats with me. They are my children after all, and I couldn’t bear to leave them behind. Of course I did the due dilligence and inquired from those already living in Canada whether they thought my cats would adjust to the new environment, especially considering how cold it gets in Canada. I was met with reassurance that they would be fine and would adjust quickly. In addition, Canada’s pet immigration policy is not as strict as other countries. As long as your pets are older than a year, their vaccination records are up to date and they pass their health exam in South Africa, they don’t have to go into quarantine. You get to take them home as soon as they arrive in Canada.

I took all of this as a sign that I was doing the right thing taking my cats with me to Canada. However, although the immigration process went smoothly for them and they arrived safely, they have struggled to adjust. Here is why…

There are three things to keep in mind when you are considering whether to take your pets with you when you immigrate.

Firstly, it is expensive. Really expensive. The cost of shipping a pet to another country is about double what your own plane ticket would cost you. They have to be vaccinated and subjected to medical exams and all of this cost money. Specialised crates need to be made for them to ship them and they are booked onto their own flights. The reason why your animals do not fly with you, is because the companies that ensure your pets’ safe transfer try to find the shortest possible route for them to travel with a stop over in between to give them a chance to rest and eat etc. Remember, that despite how taxing the long flight is for you, it is so much more overwhelming and traumatising for them. They are confined to a crate and are not allowed to eat on-route in case they get sick. They have no clue what is happening to them and you are not arround to comfort them. So it is quite a shock to the system. Also, animals cannot legally be sedated during long trips, because it constitutes animal cruelty. So they are simply provided calming treatments but are kept awake for the entire trip.

Secondely, when you arrive in your new country, you will have to find accommodation as a matter of urgency, and bringing pets along complicates matters, since most landlords do not allow pets. This eliminates many suitable housing options, because you have to find something that is pet-friendly. In Vancouver, landlords that allow pets charge an additional pet cover on top of your initial securing deposit, so you end up paying a double deposit on the accommodation. Most of the time the pet depost is for pet-incurred damages – i.e. pet hair, scratches or bite marks on furniture etc. – and is non-refundable. Even if your pet is usually well-behaved, they will most probably misbehave for the simple reason that they will arrive at your accommodation after a long and traumatising trip confined to a crate for many hours and then have to get used to an unfamiliar new environment. This is usually very distressful for most animals and they tend to act out, because they feel overwhelmed and confused. Our cats tore into the dining room chairs in our temporary accommodation and despite buying them not one, but three scratching posts, and various cat toys, they did not stop scratching the furniture. We ended up hiding the dining room chairs in the main bedroom walk-in closet at night while we slept and only taking them out when we really needed them. Desperate times called for desperate measures. We did not want to incur any penalties for damage to furniture in our temporary accommodation.

Lastly, if you decide to move to Canada, and you have a pet that spends more time outdoors than indoors, DO NOT believe people if they tell you that your animal will adjust to the climate in Canada. My cats are not your typical house cat. They used to spend most of their time playing outdoors or lying somewhere in the garden. They are fully house-trained in the sense that we did not even keep a litterbox for them in the house in South Africa. They had an open window for easy access to the house, but would “take care of business” outside in the garden.

Then we end up in Canada in the middle of winter and my poor cats are confined to the house for the first time in their short lives. Firstly, because we were staying in temporary accommodation when we arrived here, we did not want to let them out in case they wandered off and got lost. We decided to hold off untill we moved into a more permanent place. Unfortunately, what we did not bargain on was that our new house would be child-proof and what this means is that even the windows are childproof. They don’t open far enough for a cat to get through and all the windows are covered in guaze. Furthermore, staying in a townhouse means that we are not flat on the ground so they have quite a distance to jump if they were to get out.

I remained hopeful though, thinking we could use the window in the kitchen that goes out into the garden and at least give them some access to the garden. But there are two problems here. In winter, the snow presents an obstacle. They are not used to moving in snow and were completely freaked out by the snow. A side-note here, is that for dogs, it is even worse, because when it snows they cover the roads and sidewalks with salt to prevent people from slipping. However, the salt cuts into the dogs’ paws which means you have to get special socks for them to wear in the winter months if you want to take them outside. The second problem is that in summer, letting the cats out of the house might result in them becoming dinner. I asked locals here why we never see cats around and they explained that cat owners keep their cats indoors because the bears, coyotes and raccoons eat them. As luck would have it, we ended up renting in the Burke Mountain area, which is the prime spot for bears and coyotes in Vancouver. So my cats are still stuck in the house.

In retrospect, I find myself crying some days thinking that perhaps I did them an injustice by bringing them here. They have no clue what is happening and they don’t understand why they can’t go outside. Luckily our new house has a lot stairs and interesting places to climb and explore, so that keeps them busy and they seem to be settling in better than in the temporary accommodation.

Despite all of the frustration and trauma, these darling animals have still brought us comfort. They have served as welcome companions for my daugther who absolutely love having these furry friends to play with. She has learnt pretty quickly how to entice them to chase after a rope or a ball or any other fun object and they are spoilt with cuddles on a daily basis. As for me, having a furry friend on my lap on the days when the homesickness is strong, brings tremendous comfort. I have always felt calm in the presence of a purring cat and they have not dissappointed. Despite my husband’s complaints, both Emma and I enjoy their company and are grateful for the little bit of respite they bring. I can only hope that they are grateful to us for keeping them around instead of abadoning them to the care of someone else.

Most people are dog lovers. Most people do not like cats all that much. My cats have different personalities and are just as lovable as any dog. They just have sharper claws and more attitude. But I love them either way and I sleep easier knowing that being stuck inside, is still better than being left to their own resources, or worse perhaps facing a unceremonious end to their short little lives.

Darwin trying to find a comfortable spot in our temporary accommodation
Snowy exploring the stairs in our new house
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What’s it like to drive in Canada?

Most people who live in South Africa know that driving on South African roads can be a stressful experience. Even those who don’t own cars, but utilise public transport, know that the road is a stressful place to be. Apart from poor road infrastructure and massive road maintenance issues in both rural and urban areas, driving on South African roads is stressful for two other reasons:

  1. Congestion – especially if you live in Cape Town or Johannesburg which are the two most congested cities in South Africa; and
  2. Lack of adherence to the traffic rules – or what Canadians would call “disrepectful driving“. Without pointing fingers, most of us who have used the roads in South Africa know that rules are often bent – sometimes a little; i.e. rolling over a stop sign instead of coming to a full stop before proceeding – and sometims a lot; i.e. blatantly disregardig a red traffic light and driving into uncoming traffic whilst expecting other road users to make way for you.

For those of you who don’t know, Canada has reciprocal license agreements with certain countries. This means that if you immigrate to Canada, you can visit your nearest provincial driver’s licence office and hand in your original national driver’s licence from your country of origin and they will issue you with a Canadian driver’s licence. Unfortunately, Canada does not have a reciprocal license agreement with South Africa, which means that you are legally allowed to use your driver’s licence from you country of origin for your first 90 days in Canada; after which time you have to take a knowledge and road test again in order to obtain a Canadian driver’s licence.

If you fail to complete the knowledge and road tests, you will no longer be allowed to drive in Canada and will be forced to use public transport to get around or you have to sign up for their learner driver programme, which is a two-year programme that prescribes that you are not allowed to drive by yourself. You always have to have a licenced driver with you when you are behind the wheel and you must complete a specific number of driving lessons and must wait at least two years before you can do the road test; unless you can provide reasons why your application should be expedited.

Fortunately, the public transport system in British Columbia is pretty good. See a previous blog post about this. However, as I mentioned in another blog post about buying a car, access to trains and buses depends on where you live and you might still have need of a car for grocery shopping (it is easier to transport groceries with a car – especially when you are buying in bulk), or for long distance travel and sight-seeing. So it is advisable to try and obtain your British Columbia driver’s licence. I found that because we are from South Africa, we value having our own car and being able to get around without having to depend on public transport. In South Africa, you get used to your independence simply because you are not living in a system where you have to adjust to a public transport schedule. Unreliable and unregulated public transport in South Africa, makes it the mode of transport for those who simply cannot afford a car, but not the first choice for anyone who has the means to buy a car.

Most people in Vancouver and the surrounding areas still own cars and use their cars on weekends and for road trips, but they use public transport to travel to and from work. This is the option we have chosen. My husband uses public transport to commute to and from work and I use the car for errands and emergencies. It was an adjustment but hubby seems to be getting used to public transport now. There are some nice benefits to using public transport for your commute; i.e. he doesn’t have to sit in traffic, and he can use his travel time to work, read or listen to podcasts – which is a much nicer way to start and end your day than navigating your way to and from work in the chaos that is Johannesburg peak traffic. The West Coast Express, is particularly nice for getting work done on your commute. The train is quiet and has space to work and is a fast and efficient way to get to work – with less stops between destinations. But again, you have to stay in an area where you have access to the West Coast Express.

Either way, obtaining a British Columbia driver’s licence was a “must-do” on our to-do list and because we did not want to end up in the British Columbia learner driver programme, it was one of our top priorities on the to-do list. We only had 90 days from the day or our arrival in Canada, before we would have to surrender our South African driver’s licences. It is important to keep in mind that you book your knowledge and road test online and that the system generates a test date for you. Oten your test date will be at least a month (sometimes two months) in the future. So it is important to book your test date as soon as possible and then work towards it.

Taking the tests

The knowledge test is an online test that you complete at your nearest ICBC branch, which is the Insurance Corporation of British Columbia, but strangely enough also what we would call the “traffic department” back home in South Africa. You book your test date online. Then you download their road user manual to study British Columbia’s road signs and rules for driving. ICBC’s website also offers free practice tests that you can take before you take your knowledge test. The knowledge test is a multiple choice quiz that tests your knowledge of road signs and the rules of the road. You need to get 40 out of 50 questions right to pass. The tricky part is learning all the signs that you have never encountered in South Africa before.

In British Columbia there is a heavy emphasis on responsible and conscientious driving. You are required to drive cautiously and slow, but also to respect other road users and demonstrate kindness, by letting a driver into the lane ahead of you, waiting for pedestrians and cyclists to cross the road before proceeding etc. There is a whole section in the manual on sharing the road safely with other users. And here everyone abides by the rules. You start with zero points on your driving record when they issue your licence and gain points for being convicted of breaking certain traffic laws. Demerit points stay on your record for two years from the offence date. If you collect enough points, you can lose your driver’s licence. “Enough” points is 4 demerit points in a 12-month period. On the ICBC website there is a list of fines and points for B.C. traffic offences. Looking at this list, you realise that you can very easily get to 4 demerits by driving the way people drive in South Africa. Demerits also mean an increase in your insurance premium and of course you are legally obliged to take out insurance with ICBC when you buy a car. No-one can buy a car without taking out insurance, as uninsured vehicles are not allowed on the road.

The road test is a 35 minute test with an examiner. There is a thorough vehicle check and hand signals test before you start driving. After your car has been checked out and deemed safe, you start your road test. The examiner takes you through a pre-set route to test your driving skills — like turning, changing lanes, and parking. The route includes city streets, commercial areas, and highways. You also go through different kinds of intersections: ones without traffic signs, ones with stop signs, and large intersections with traffic lights. Your examiner also asks you during the test to spot and point out potential hazards and to park your car either uphill or downhill.

Once you get back to ICBC’s testing centre, you will know whether the examiner wants to pass or fail you on your driving test by the fact that he/she will either ask that you stop anywhere (fail) or that you back into a parking (pass – if you succeed in parking). After you’ve finished your test, the examiner goes over your test with you and provides you with feedback on what you did well and where you need to improve. If you did not make more than 3 mistakes, you pass the test.

So what is it like to drive in British Columbia?

The most difficult part of driving in B. C., is learning to drive on the left side of the car and the right side of the road as opposed to driving on the right side of the car and the left side of the road. Left turns at intersections are tricky. When wanting to turn right at a or red traffic light, you are allowed to stop and then proceed with caution (i.e. treat it as a yield sign) even though the traffic light might still be red – unless there is a sign indicating that you have to wait for a green arrow before turning. Another thing that is a big part of driving in Canada, is driving in wet and snowy conditions – something we almost never have to think about in South Africa. These were also the most tricky test questions on the knowledge test – knowing what to expect from melted ice on a bridge or how to handle skidding on slippery roads etc. – which actually happens quiet often when driving in snow.

Something to keep an eye out for, is pedestrians that cross the road without checking for oncoming cars, because they always have right of way and cyclists moving into your blind spot from bicycle lanes on the right-hand side of the road. And of course the speed limit, which is 30 km per hour in areas where there are schools or parks, 50 km per hour in the city and main roads, and 80 km per hour on the highway. The lower speed limits end up being a blessing in disguise as you try to get used to driving on the “wrong” side of the road, because you have more time to think before turning or changing lanes.

Mostly, once you start getting used to the weirdness of it all and relearn where all the blind spots around your car are, the driving experience is quite a pleasant one; simply because everyone follows the rules. Roads are well-maintained and on snowy days, the municipality scrapes all the snow from main roads and sidewalks, ensuring safe driving for everyone.

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Trying to find the upside of loneliness

“Many people suffer from the fear of finding oneself alone, and so they don’t find themselves at all.” – Rollo May

To a lesser or greater extent, this is probably true of all of us – even introverts; or perhaps even more of introverts. Extroverts have other people to drown out the noise in their inner space. Introverts find activities. We think, we mull, we research, we brood, and we stay busy too avoid having to look inward.

The psychology of solitude studies how human beings are social creatures and how we struggle to deal with long periods of social isolation. If we are alone for too long, our mental faculties degrade, leading to deep despair, and even insanity. This explains why solitary confinement is such an effective punishment and/or torture method. As social animals, we cannot bear to be cut off from social interaction for too long. All of us recognise inside ourselves the need to find the balance between doing our own thing, and building relationships with others that can sustain us. Even if we only recognise it subconsciously. We all struggle to find this balance, because although we want and need relationships, they are also often the source of our greatest stress and suffering.

Hard-wired for connection

So why do we do it? Why do we keep pursuing relationships even though sometimes they make us miserable? It’s simple. We are hard-wired for connection. When a women gives birth, her brain secretes a hormone called oxytocin that allows her to establish an emotional bond with her baby. When the baby receives skin-on-skin contact from its mother, the same hormone is released in the baby’s brain and the baby’s brain starts forming neural networks about bonding, connection and love. When we hug or kiss a loved one, or establish a deep connection with a friend while chatting over coffee, our oxytocin levels increase. For this reason, oxytocin is often called “the love hormone.” In fact, the hormone also plays a huge role in pair bonding. Oxytocin is the hormone that underlies trust and can even be an antidote to depressive feelings. And we are all addicted to it. We can’t help it, because once we have experienced the effects of oxytocin, we want more. This explains how people become addicted to sex for example. If they perhaps did not experience the effects of oxytocin in other ways, because they were not held enough as children or did not bond with anyone, they still need the boost from the hormone, but don’t know how to obtain it in another way.

So being cut off from the source of our connection and bonding, can be hugely debilitating and can lead to severe depression and deep sadness. However, there is a huge difference between loneliness and being alone, because being alone is often a choice. Lena Dunham said on her Women Of The Hour podcast, “I personally love being alone … what I don’t like, is being lonely. For me, loneliness, that cottony separation from the world, hollow-stomached, soul disease is most acute when I’m surrounded by people who don’t or can’t see me“. And she is right, we can feel lonely, even when we are surrounded by people, because the wrong people – people who don’t know you or who don’t particularly care about your personal wellbeing – can actually make you feel isolated and alone. It is only when we spend time with those that genuinely know and love us, that we actually feel connection, and experience the burst of the oxytocin hormone, because we then feel we belong and we are not alone.

Discovering the upside of loneliness

However, we have all experienced being alone and we all know that sometimes, being alone, can be beneficial; that is, if we can face our own demons. Spending time alone can force us to do some introspection, to discover the benefits of meditation or help us be more productive.

When you immigrate to another country, you actually volunteer to be alone and it can be hard sometimes, because being alone for too long, can lead to despair and loneliness. So how do you reap the benefits of being alone without falling into the pit of despair that is loneliness? That is what I have been trying to figure out since we moved to Canada. And I haven’t mastered it yet. I still find myself falling into deep pits of despair and loneliness and crying for hours on end about loved one’s back home. And even though we chat and maintain regular “contact” thanks to technology, it is not the type of contact I crave. Hugs and kisses are impossible, so my oxytocin receptors are not firing. Looking into someone’s eyes, holding their hand, talking face to face, sharing a meal or a cup of cofee… none of these things are possible and you have to make due with cyber coffee chats when the massive time difference allows for a sliver of time to catch up with what’s going on in their lives.

So, typical of my Ennea 6, Wing 5 nature, I research and I try to find answers and I try to make sens of it. And I read article upon article about loneliness and the benefits of loneliness and/or of being alone and none of it resonates. Until I find two articles: Kimberly Gillan’s “The Surprising Upside Of Loneliness In A New City” where she recounts how it felt to move to another city, where she and her husband did not know anyone, and how they desperately tried to slot into the new environment they found themselves in by visiting locals bars, hoping to make some friends. She says: “I now wish I’d been more mindful of the positives of quiet time and spent less time lamenting my lack of friends in that lonely year. There’s a lot to be said for a blank calendar that can be filled with anything you damn well like. You learn to back yourself in a way I don’t think would be possible if you stay in your comfort zone. So if you’re new to a city, can I suggest you utilise your loneliness to learn a new skill, soak up your surroundings or go out on a limb? You’ll quite possibly have the best experiences of your life.”

Ok Kimberly, quiet time, you say. I used to spend a lot of quiet time by myself. I am used to working from home and have no problem staying busy and being productive when I am alone. However, with a toddler in the house, it is now almost impossible to find quiet alone time. So I upend my schedule. I wake up at 04:00 or 05:00 and try to think, write and work when baby is sleeping and I end up working until the early hours of the morning after baby has gone to bed. This definitely increases my productivity, but it isolates me even more, because now I spend less time talking to my husband – the ONLY person I have here that I can connect with – and I am also a zombie during the day when I have to give my little girl my undivided attention. So what to do?

As for the blank calendar, that means nothing when you are still in limbo, trying to find a permanent place to live, trying to establish some sort of routine and still figuring out what your life is going to look like now that you cannot visit family and friends as often as you used to. I must admit the idea is not exciting to me at all. I loved spending time with loved ones simply because they were a welcome break from my busy life. I spend a lot of my time in my head and I work long hours, so taking time out to visit with friends and family was like taking a vacation.

And then there is Karan Bajaj with his beautifully written inspirational piece entitled “The Incredible Upside of Loneliness” where he discusses the rules of the ancient Yogis and proposes that loneliness could be a journey of self-discovery. He explains that you can choose loneliness by moving somewhere where you don’t know anyone and then not holding on to anything and not buying a house. Almost adopt a nomadic lifestyle then. To my adventurous 7 wing this of course sounds promising. It could be a little experiment in self-reinvention. But then he gets to the juicy bit… how you can use loneliness to change the world… and of course as a Ennea 6 with a strong desire to impact the world, I am hooked.

Bajaj suggets that loneliness can help you tap into your creativity. He says: “You tap into a reservoir of completeness when you create, touching the universal and forget your limited self. Use your loneliness as a catalyst to creation–a book, an organization, a idea, a new business process– whatever your medium and feel silent and complete once again“. And of course I had discovered this to be true even before I stumbled upon Bajaj and his writings, because I suddenly had this urge to write. I find my writers block that had developed after my arduous PhD journey had suddenly lifted and I felt I not only wanted, but needed to write. So finally, I can see my way to writing a book after years of wanting and intending to write one, but never actually sitting down and typing the first page.

Bajaj also recommends meditating in times of loneliness. In my yoga practice, I had discovered the wonder of meditation. But I have battled to get back to that quiet space for more than a year now… It is as if it is simply inaccessible right now with worries and concerns wreaking havoc in my internal space. Bajaj insists though: “Don’t fight your loneliness. Instead, use it as a catalyst to internalize that everything is a passing mind state. The sadness of loneliness, the warm glow you feel in companionship, pleasure, pain, nothing lasts. Everything is in flux. Don’t make my mistake. Fast-forward your journey by learning how to meditate or consider this incredible, accessible experience“.

So, I have decided to immerse myself in my loneliness and embrace it as a time for contemplation and self-discovery, because Bajaj also says that at some point your journey into self-discovery, meditation and contemplation will end and you will rejoin your loved ones, but with wisdom and insights to share and with the gift of your learnings from your journeys.

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Buying a car in Vancouver

In my previous blog post, I gave a breakdown of the public transport system in Vancouver, Canada. Despite all the public transport options in Vancouver, their availability and viability depend on where in the city you live. Some areas of Vancouver are more easily accessible by train or bus than other parts. For this reason, public transport is probably a good option for commuting to work and back, but it does not solve all your travel challenges. Travelling from the Superstore with your groceries  for example, is probably best done with a car unless you can take friends along on the train to help  you carry all your bags – which is difficult to do if you are a newcomer with no friends. Furthermore, for road trips out of the city or across the US border, a car is probably a better mode of transport.

So if you have to or want to buy a car, how do you go about it and what are the pitfalls you need to be aware of?

Start off by investigating your options online. Most dealerships and private sellers advertise online. The best sites to visit are Autotrader or Craigslist Vancouver. Yes, Craigslist. It is very popular here for almost anything from cars to rental properties and anything in between.  Decide whether you want a brand new car or a pre-owned vehicle. Craigslist gives you the option to search either by private owner or by dealership. One key thing to keep in mind, is that the advertised price you see online, is BEFORE tax. So add 15% tax to the price to know what the car is actually going to cost you.*

Before you go into the dealership to test drive and possibly purchase a car, practice your negotiation skills, because you are going to need them! In Canada, the advertised price is not the final price of the car. When you indicate that you want the car, they tell you that they have to consult with their “manager”. They then leave the room and enter a small office for the “negotiation” that they are supposedly conducting on your behalf with their “manager”.

After a while they emerge with a suggested offer to purchase. You then have to decide whether you want to accept the offer or not.  Ideally you should not accept their first offer. Always ask if they cannot make you a better offer. This starts the process again. They excuse themselves to “consult” with their “manager” and once again emerge with a “better” offer and so the process goes until one of the parties concedes.

In an ideal world, you want to buy the car cash, because it saves you from the second round of negotiations which is for finance. Note that if you are a foreigner, they will try to convince you that buying a new car is better than buying a second-hand car – even if you have done the math and know that this is NOT true. They will “appeal to reason” by telling you that applying for finance on a new car, means zero percent interest, whereas finance on a second-hand car will result in higher premiums since you will be charged anything from 5% to 10% interest!!!  (They obviously have not spent time in a country with a failing economy where interest rates can elevate to levels much higher than their “extreme” 10%.)

What they forget to mention, is that if you are buying a new car, you are also applying for finance on a car that is much more expensive than the second-hand car – in this case an additional $9 000 for a new car! So in reality, for you to end up paying more on a second-hand car than a new car when you are financing it, you would have to be paying interest that exceeds the amount of the new car. Do the math. Even at a 10% interest rate, you will still not get there. Suffice to say, their “scare tactics” did not work. We simply held our ground and insisted on buying the second-hand car. Mr. Money Mustache would be proud! Or so we thought. But boy were we wrong!!

Even if you emerge from your negotiations victorious, the battle is far from over, because what you did not consider is that your visa places a restriction on the loan term, since no bank is willing to lend you money for a period of time that runs after your visa has expired. So never calculate your monthly premium on a four-year or five-year term, since the longest you are probably going to get, is 18 months if you are on a two-year visa.

If and when your finance is approved – which is an easy process if you are lucky enough to be employed by Amazon – they will phone you to let you know when you can collect your car. What they do not tell you, is that you will be entering the battle grounds again…

When you arrive to collect your car, you first have to negotiate the terms of your finance. So they give you the premium amount over the phone. But this is not your final premium. This is BEFORE your extended warranty and tire insurance that they try to convince you you MUST have. So before you even have the keys in hand, your budget for your car instalments have suddenly quadrupled! So you become a little hysterical and kindly inform the finance lady that you simply cannot afford that premium and so ensues the next round of negotiations; where she worst-case-scenario’s every possible event that you could ever imagine happening in your life while she tries to convince you that you should ensure your car for more than it is worth “just in case, God forbids something terrible happens!”

One huge benefit of speaking a small unknown local language from South Africa (i.e. Afrikaans) is that you can converse in front of this lady about everything she is telling you without her understanding a single word you are saying. A little rude, you might think, but hell, it is just as rude to keep erecting hurdles in your path to acquiring what is simply put a small and cost-efficient car compared to the monster trucks everyone else on the road is driving.

As the day progresses though, you become more and more despondent and start wondering what the hell you were thinking in the first place. Luckily you remember that you read somewhere that you are legally required to take out insurance with ICBC, which is the Traffic Department of British Columbia. All vehicles on the road must be insured by ICBC. So you enquire about the need for additional insurance on top of the insurance you will have to obtain from ICBC. You are politely informed that it is for “God forbid, just in case you write off your whole car and can’t buy a new one.” They will then pay you $5 000 towards the purchase of a new car but ONLY if it is a Hyundai and ONLY if it is purchased at their branch. So you restrain yourself from bursting out laughing and kindly inform the finance lady that you are going to decline her kind offer. You watch her react in shock and then calmly smile and ask her if she could recalculate your premium.

Just as you think you have won this round, she informs you that without an extended warranty, you will not have road-side assistance or a rental car option if your car breaks down or needs to be repaired after an accident, because in Canada, road-side assistance and a rental car when your car is in the shop is considered a warranty-related matter and not part of normal insurance. So realising that you are planning on doing some travelling across the border to the US, you cry a little inside, and politely inform her that you would like the stupid warranty after all.

Two hours later, they inform you that you are now allowed to choose your new car’s license plate. They hand you a pack of license plates and you literally sift through them and choose the one you like/want. This license plate becomes yours forever. If you ever sell your car, it is removed from the sold car and put on your new car. So your license plate never changes.

After selecting your license plate, you are required to meet with the ICBC representative to discuss your insurance options. The ICBC representative informs you that the minimum damage amount you are allowed to be insured for in case of a third-party collision, is $2 000 000. So you sign up for the lowest package. Then you have to explain your driving and insurance history. Note, if you can provide a formal letter from your previous insurance company in South Africa that states your name, ID number, the number of years you were insured with them and you claims history, you can get 5% discount on your ICBC insurance, for each year you were insured in South Africa, for up to eight years. So make sure you obtain said letter from your insurance broker BEFORE you leave South Africa, otherwise you will have to make mid-night calls back home and beg your previous insurer for a letter.

ICBC insurance policy finalised, you are finally allowed to receive your car. The “joyous” occasion is a little less than joyous simply because you have been in negotiations for 2 hours and 40 minutes, you baby is irate from your insistence that she sit still and keep down the noise for all this time and your Sunday is ruined. You had planned roast chicken and vegetables for lunch, but since it is 14:30 in the afternoon, it will probably have to be roast chicken and vegetables for Sunday dinner. You drive off in your new car, completely overwhelmed with a screaming toddler in tow wondering whether you did the right thing…

Thinking of the quote at the start of this blog post, I am not sure what people would assume about our personalities or driving habits by looking at the car we chose to drive in Vancouver. The choice of car does not tell you as much about our personalities as it does about our own insecurities and our financial savvy or lack thereof. We bought a brand we were familiar with, simply because all the other options were too overwhelming. Even choosing between different second-hand Hyundai Elantras was tricky, because there are so many different versions of the same car! There is the Hyundai Elantra LE, Hyundai, Elantra GL Auto, Hyundai Elantra SE or Hyundai Elantra GLX each with their own special features.

The standard special features you would expect are also very different from what you would be looking for in South Africa. For example, a big thing here is heated seats and a heated steering wheel – a nice thing in really cold weather, but something you would never want standard in your car in South Africa. Sun roofs are also a big thing, despite the lack of sun hours in the winter and the fact that you could literally go for weeks without seeing the sun. I suppose it is more useful in summer time. We will have to wait and see…

For what it is worth, here are some photos of our new car…

*Everything in Canada is advertised with the price before tax, which is very different from South Africa where the advertised price already includes tax.

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The homesickness stuckness loop

It is difficult to explain to people who have not experienced it first-hand, how debilitating home-sickness can be. That gut-wrenching, soul-twisting, downward-spiralling, deep pit of darkness you transcend into that disarms you at the weirdest times of the day. During the times when you feel homesick, you get stuck in this loop of past memories that are so overwhelming that you cannot even take in what is happening around you in the present. You don’t notice the elements in your new environment that could be elements of awe, excitement and inspiration, because your despair is so deep and overwhelming that it removes you from the space you’re in and allows you to travel thousands of miles and many oceans in an instant. In your mind’s eye you can see, smell, taste and touch home… And you imagine that the memories of home will always be better than anything that can happen in the present.

Why does homesickness have this effect? It is simple, we are creatures of habit and anything that is familiar seems safe and better than anything that is new or different or unfamiliar. When you move to a new country, you are informed that you are “starting a new life“. You, and everyone else of course, anticipate that your “new life” is going to be better than the one you are living now. But are you starting a new life, or simply continuing your life on a different path?

Martin Seligman* believes a more apt name for our species would be Homo Prospectus, because we thrive by considering our prospects. Anticipating the future, both consciously and unconsciously, is a central function of our brains. This way of looking at our psychological make-up, is of course very different to how psychologists and neuroscientists have looked at us up to now. For the past century most researchers have assumed that we’re prisoners of the past and the present. But it is becoming clear that the mind is mainly drawn to the future, not driven by the past. Seligman explains that learning does not occur through the storage of static memories, but rather through the continual imagining of future possibilities.

When a hugely upsetting emotional event – like moving to the other side of the world – happens, what sets us into a downward spiral of depression, is not so much the weirdness and unfamiliarity of our present circumstances, but rather the expectation that this uncomfortable situation might not improve and that we could potentially be “stuck” in this unpleasantness indefinitely. As a consequence we also start re-framing our memories of past events and convince ourselves that these were in fact much better than they might actually have been.

Here is why depression and homesickness can make matters worse. Seligman explains that the depression and anxiety inhibit our ability to be optimistic about the future. Studies have shown depressed people have a tendency to imagine fewer positive scenarios while overestimating future risks. As an Ennea 6, I tend to think strategically and anticipate events in advance, but I also tend to worst-case-scenario things. My propensity to fall into a pit of anxiety and depression is thus often stronger than it is for most other people. Any disruption in routine that breaks connections that I have meticulously and carefully built, pushes me into the claws of depression.

I agree with Seligman that memories of past traumas are not what cause anxiety.  From my own personal experience I can say that I have emerged stronger from difficult events in my life. I think that the main reason why people who have gone through trauma tend to imagine fewer positive scenarios and overestimate what could go wrong, is because they have not consciously become aware of the meta skills they have acquired that enabled them to survive their past traumas in the first place. We often survive difficult situations without ever really consciously understanding our own psychologies and HOW we did it.

To understand the unconscious mental processes taking place when we are in difficult situations requires the mental and emotional ability to “step back” from the situation and observe what is happening to us mentally and emotionally. What are we thinking and why? What are we feeling and why? This is not an easy task, because it requires quietening the mind and accessing the observer and trusting your instincts about what you are experiencing (something that is very difficult for a Ennea 6 to to).

When homesickness becomes debilitating, it is sometimes difficult to remember our own resilience and adaptability. Life presents us with these times of discomfort to stretch us and help us grow. So when it becomes difficult to focus on anything else but home, then make contact with someone at home. Vent and cry and then find something new and different but exciting or fun to do in your new environment to remind yourself why you are on this journey in the first place. Pretty soon, this unfamiliar place becomes a little less strange and a little more familiar. Whether it will ever be home, is another matter. We shall have to wait and see.

*You can read about Martin Seligman’s latest research here.

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Medical Hell?

When you plan an overseas trip, you look forward to all the exciting things you are going to see and do. Few people think about what would happen in a medical emergency or when they fall ill. For most tourists, I suppose the answer would be international travel insurance*, so that you are covered in a medical emergency. It is a bit different when you emigrate to a new country. Then you have to figure out how their medical system works and how you get access to their basic medical services or day-to-day medical services.

My experience of trying to obtain access to basic medical services for my daughter has been frustrating, stressful and emotionally exhausting. When we arrived in Canada, my daughter had a touch of flu. So we actually needed a doctor within the first week of arriving here, because exposure to the extreme cold , resulted in her getting very sick in a very short space of time.

British Columbia’s public health system requires that you obtain a BC Medical Services Care (MSC) card that allows you access to all medical services and doctors. This card is your golden ticket into the health system. Without this card, you have no chance of obtaining medical help when you need it. Unfortunately, when you arrive as an immigrant, you first have to apply for the card and then you have to wait three months before you are covered by the public health system and can use the card.  So basically if you get sick in the first three months after arrival you have a problem.

BC Medical Services Care card

So when our daughter got sick, we started asking around to find out where we could go to see a doctor. We went from clinic to clinic and they all turned us away. We soon learned that in order to see a doctor, you first need to register with a particular physician as your family doctor. Once you have a family doctor, you are only allowed to see that doctor. But only by appointment, which can be made online, but which has to be made well in advance BEFORE you actually get sick. So if you plan to live in Canada, you should also try to enhance your clairvoyance, since you need to predict when you will be ill to ensure you have made a timely appointment to see a doctor.

So what happens if you don’t have a family doctor and you don’t have a MSC card? You can go to a walk-in clinic. Walk-in clinics operate in most malls and shopping centres. There is one in Walmart, for example. However, they only treat minor ailments, so if you are seriously ill, they still need to refer you to a family doctor or send you to hospital. I am not sure what the actual purpose of these walk-in-clinics are because they charge you $125 so you can see a doctor, but then the doctor does a quick check to ensure you are not dying and sends you home. No medicine, nothing.

Walk-In Clinic Walmart

We took Emma to a walk-in clinic where we had to wait 1 hour and 40 minutes to see a doctor. The doctor looked at her and confirmed that she had a sore throat and the onset of an ear infection – her ears were red and swollen – but because she did not have any puss in her ears yet, the doctor sent us home. I asked what I could do to treat the pain and fever, and the doctor recommended I buy Advil from Walmart.

So my daughter needed antibiotics but had to settle for Advil, because she wasn’t sick enough. On top of that, the doctor ensured us that all three of us would probably be sick for the next two years while our immune systems try to adjust to the foreign viruses and bacteria we are exposed to here. She reckons she sees it all the time. Foreigners come here and are exposed to so many foreign entities that their bodies simply cannot cope and they end up having continuous flu for two years. Joy. Just before we left her office, she also took it upon herself to tell us that perhaps we should consider going “back to South Africa“, or “rather go to Australia or New Zealand” since we will probably not cope with the lack of sunshine. “You people love your sun too much” we were told; which is probably true, but I was’t sure I was happy about the fact that she felt she had the liberty to decide on our behalf what we could cope with and what not, or advise us on our immigration choices.

A week of Advil, and other medicines brought from home, and with the advice of my sister-in-law, who is a doctor in South Africa, we managed to get Emma through the worst. Or so we thought…She started getting better for a few days and then got sick all over again. As we were approaching her 15-month mark, I realised we were going to have another problem, since she needs a Measles, Mumps and Rubella shot at 15 months.

Being an Ennea 6, of course I anticipated this risk and did the research BEFORE we left South Africa. Nothing I read or heard was encouraging. We were told about the MSC card and the three-month waiting period. But Amazon reassured us that we would be covered under a private medical health that they would provide for the first three months. I asked our new “friends” in Canada about vaccinations and they did not provide us with any real answers or suggestions. I could not fathom their lack of response and nonchalant attitude to my series of questions around vaccinations until I tried to book a vaccination for Emma. Then it all started to make sense.

I figured I needed to secure a family doctor before we would be able to get help for Emma. So I started the process…

Step 1: Find a doctor in our area that is willing to accept new patients

In South Africa, you have one of two options, you can go to a public medical clinic, open a file and wait in line to see a doctor or you can book an appointment with a doctor in private practice. Either way, if you arrive to see a doctor, the doctor is obligated to see you and to treat you. In Canada, if you arrive at a clinic or doctor’s rooms without an appointment, the receptionist (read “bodyguard”) requests that you leave and informs you that the doctor only sees his registered patients. If you are not registered with the doctor, you cannot see the doctor. Even if you are registered with the doctor, you cannot see the doctor without making an online appointment and waiting for an allocated appointment date and time.

So how do you register with a family doctor? Here is Google’s advice: “Let those around you know that you are looking for a new family doctor, and take to social media, too. It’s often a reference from a family member or friend that gets you into the doctor’s office and onto the radar of a doctor accepting new patients.” So, that means we are screwed since we have NO family or friends in Canada.

First you have to find the name and contact details of a doctor that is willing to accept new patients. For that they have this “nifty” service called College of Physicians and Surgeons British Columbia. It is an online database of all the registered physicians and surgeons in British Columbia with a list of their qualifications and an indication of whether they are actively practicing and willing to accept new patients or not.

Step 2: Contact available doctors and make an appointment to see a doctor

Next you do a search to find out which doctors are in your area and then you start phoning. Simple right? Not really. I was on hold for four and a half hours just to be informed that the doctor is no longer accepting new patients, because he has reached his quota. I was told to phone back in a few month’s time.

I insisted that receptionist at least gives me some advice, since I don’t have a few months to wait before Emma can get her vaccination. She explained that I need to register with the Public Health Unit. Every area in British Columbia has one Public Health Unit that serves that particular area and that is basically like a clinic where you go to have your child vaccinated. However, they only help you if you have a MSC card. Great! So I don’t have the card yet. So I ask if I can take Emma to a walk-in clinic to get her vaccinated. No, unfortunately they do not vaccinate. She inquires about Emma’s age and then tells me that they do not vaccinate babies at 15 months, only at 12 months and 18 months. I explain that I am from South Africa and according to my clinic card and vaccination plan, my daughter is due for a vaccination at 15 months. She declines to help me further.

My frustration sets in and I start fuming. The vaccination debate has been a hot topic over the last few years. Those who are in the know are often furious with irresponsible moms who refuse to vaccinate. But I AM a responsible mom who has ensured that my daughter got every single vaccination she was supposed to get, only to have her be put at risk by a system that simply refuses to help me do the right thing!

Step 3: Register with the Public Health Unit

I phone the Public Health Unit to inquire about the process. I have to go to their offices and submit Emma’s passport and medical records and then wait for them to evaluate her records.  They then inform me when I can come and book an appointment for Emma to see a nurse. For the appointment with the nurse, I will need the magic MSC card.

Step 4: Phone the doctor and beg for a private consultation

So I phone the doctor’s offices again and explain that I need the doctor to have a look at my daughter’s vaccination records and advise whether she needs to be vaccinated now or not. I tell her we have private medical cover through Amazon, only to be informed that they do not accept private medical cover. So I beg the doctor’s receptionist to allow us to see him without the BC MSC card and pay for the visit privately, because we need to register with them in any case so that we have a family doctor for future medical situations. I am informed that it will be $80 per person for a meet and greet.  What is a meet and greet you may ask?

A meet and greet is an opportunity to meet the doctor so that he can assess whether he wants to treat you as his patient. In South Africa, a doctor is obligated to treat you. In Canada, a doctor can refuse to treat you and simply indicate that he/she is not accepting any new patients. Finally, I get why so many South African doctors want to work in Canada! You retain your title and work level when you move here despite having to redo their exams. And if you open a family practice, you can decide how many patients you want to treat and also WHICH patients you want to treat…

Lessons learned:

South Africa’s public health system is battling. They do not always have the facilities and the resources they need, but they have good, passionate doctors who care and who treat every single patient with compassion, irrespective of background or situation. Unfortunately, theses poor doctors are pushed to their limits. I don’t think we appreciate our public health doctors enough. We don’t always realise the immense strain they work under and the horrific things they have to deal with. On one day, the average public health doctor in South Africa could deal with knife-wounds, gun shots, drunken bottle fight injuries, women going into labour and rushing to a rural clinic with no resources and the list goes on… Of course you get much better facilities in the private health sector, but sometimes you have to deal with a doctor who doesn’t care as much for their patients as they care for the lifestyle it affords them as doctor in private health.

I have had the privilege to encounter some of the best doctors in South Africa in the five years that we lived in Randburg – doctors with heart and passion, doctors who care, and doctors who demonstrate expertise and skill that measure up any where in the world. I would even wager that South Africa has some of the best doctors in the world. My experience in Canada has left a lot to be desired. It is the absolute irony that you would trade poor infrastructure, a struggling economy and out-of-control crime for a place where there is proper infrastructure, the economy is strong, they have a firm legal system etc. and yet, they have a confusing and misguided health care system with doctors who seem to lack the compassion to actually care about the health and wellbeing of their patients.

*We had travel insurance by the way, but they were unwilling to cover our medical expenses since we could not provide evidence of a return ticket home. Make sure you read the fine print when you take out travel insurance to emigrate. Travel insurance only works when you travel for leisure, otherwise it is money wasted.